I’ve struggled with being myself for years. I think it goes back to when I was about ten years old...I got “dumped” by my best friend at the time for another ten-year-old. I was absolutely crushed. What did I do?! I must not have been good enough, I thought.
A couple of similar instances occurred when I was a teenager. Go through that kind of thing enough times, and pretty soon you’re terrified to be yourself, because apparently that isn’t good enough to keep your best friends around.
I don’t feel that way now, but I did for most of my life. There are ways to cope with these feelings—keep people at a distance, only share certain things about yourself, just make people laugh, etc. In my case, I was afraid to share all the aspects of my personality, but I was fine in sharing what I was struggling with in other areas. I haven’t quite wrapped my head around that one yet. To my close friends I was considered (in a good way) an open book, and yet, even with them, I didn’t feel quite safe enough to just be myself. Man, I wanted to…but I was just too afraid of being dropped again.
So, I presented myself as an always-cheerful, funny, bouncy kind of girl and held my arms out to protect myself. I would drop into a conversation, say something to make people laugh, and bound away quickly without getting into an actual conversation. I would steal the show and dance away, with nothing to show for it.
I actually lost a few friendships this way, I believe. And I hate that. Because a show-stealer is really not who I am.
Finally, I had to drop the act. It was hurting people, which is something I never, ever wanted.
It took a few hard conversations with people, more healing conversations with God, lots of reminders from my grace-full husband, and a final “What the heck am I doing?!” realization about myself to get to the point where I’m not trying to impress anyone anymore. I don’t have to entice people to be friends with me, I realized. I don’t always have to make people laugh, and I don’t always have to add to the conversation. I’m equally okay when I’m silly, thoughtful, or quiet.
Now, I am a funny person. There is just no getting away from it—I make people laugh. And I love to do it. It’s one of the qualities God bestowed in me. And I am truly a generally cheerful person. It’s just that I’m not trying to be someone interesting in order to impress my circle of acquaintances anymore, and I’m not so concerned with always having something profound to say. There’s a lot more to actual relationship than that.
And the great thing is, I’m seeing fruit! I’m now in the midst of a few new relationships that are budding, as well as the true friendships that have stayed in my life for years. I have people who are genuinely interested in me, and I in them, and I’m standing back in awe of what God is doing.
My friend Shawn says that if you look at my blog alone, you’ll think I’m a depressed person. While that makes me chuckle, I say that even the funny and cheerful folk have deep thoughts from time to time. Even they have wounds, and even they learn to grow from them… and it’s all ok, because it’s real. If anything, I hope this blog inspires you to be real, too. God is in the reality, taking us from glory to glory…
Much love,
S
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