I found my story in Psalm 18 the other night. I’ve read that passage many times and clung to its promises, but I just realized it chronicles my journey over the past two years.
My verse 4 came around this time two years ago. I had been grieving for months over an event that broke my heart. Do you know what it’s like when you know the sun is shining outside, but you can’t feel it? It was like that for me, for months. I felt like I was walking in a rain cloud everywhere I went. I was doing everything I knew to do—praying, getting others to pray for me, reading the Bible—but I just wasn’t getting better. There was just one thing I hadn’t been willing to do yet, mostly because I thought that, if I had to do it, I must really be crazy. I didn’t want to be labeled “crazy,” even though I honestly felt like I was going insane.
I remember the moment. I was driving into my mother’s neighborhood to cry things out over lunch (a frequent habit for me at the time), and I remember thinking, “I’ve done all I can do. I’m at the end of myself. God, whatever I need to do, I will.”
That was when I looked into getting counseling.
Now, for some of you, that’s not a big deal. You understand the need for counseling and how it works. I, however, was coming from the (wrong) perspective that, if you need counseling, you are really messed up. But the truth was that I really did need help, so if my thinking I was “messed up” was what it took for me to get the help I needed, then it was worth it. Whatever the method, I came to the end of myself and was willing to try something I had been afraid of.
So I admitted to someone in the know that I needed counseling, and I got a recommendation. God’s provision was in that recommendation, because the person I ended up with was so fitted to understand my personality that I cannot doubt the hand of God in guiding me there. That started my true healing process, and it touched more areas of my heart than I can recount.
I had been thinking that faith was supposed to be enough to get me through the difficult times, and because it wasn’t, I must be failing. My faith must not be enough.
But it turns out that I did have enough faith. It takes faith to ask for help. It takes faith to try what you’ve never tried. It even takes faith to follow God into a counseling office.
And in those next 18 months, God rent the heavens and came to my rescue. The foundations of my belief system were shaken, and the rotten bricks were torn out. He exposed lies I had believed about myself and about Him, and through counseling, gave me the tools I needed to replace them with His Truth. (Turns out there are practical, cognitive ways of “taking every thought captive!”)
He led me to books, teachings, and Scriptures that talked about the very things I was dealing with. He sent people into my life to help carry me. He even brought my husband into my world at the exact same time I started counseling, and he has been instrumental in my healing.
God spared no expense, yet again, in getting me free. He rescued me from my despair.
It was a long, arduous process to get me free…but I am free. And not only free, but strong! My enemy has truly lost his ground, and he will not take it back. And I will not turn back until he is destroyed…
Does this mean I don’t still struggle from time to time? No. The same thoughts still try to come back and get me to fear. But I know how to fight them now, and they will not conquer me.
I’m telling you this to tell you there is hope, no matter your situation. Psalm 18 can be your story, too. I’m not saying counseling is the magic answer to your prayers, but I encourage you to broaden your view of how God wants to heal you. He wants you to be free, and He will do whatever it takes to get you there. It may be hard, but nothing could be more worth the freedom and healing that is on the other side.
musings from the journey: the (sometimes) deep thoughts of a girl discovering grace
2.21.2012
2.14.2012
be Mine.
I just wanted to take a moment and give you a breather from all the hearts, candy, and red-and-pink combos that, for whatever reason, accompany the 14th of February.
Valentine's Day is a tough day for a lot of people--single and married. Delayed hopes have led to sickness and pain in many hearts, and the barrage of commercials, Facebook statuses and romantic movies just pour salt on the wounds of failed expectations.
I'm not here to continue that trend. I only want to tell you that you are loved. Really, truly loved.
I have been where some of you are. Hurt, lonely, confused. And I have experienced some of the deepest healing of my life through the journey God has me on. But it surprised me, the way He did it. It wasn't this relationship that healed me. Honest-to-goodness, what has healed my heart at the deepest level is truly embracing God's love for me. It was getting past the lies I've believed for so long and finally walking into the Truth of who I am, and--to be cliche but perfectly serious--Whose I am. While my fiance is wonderful and I adore him, he has not healed me. God has.
And you, my reader, have the chance to step into that journey of discovering His love for you now, just as you are, single or married or what-have-you.
No matter where you are, He is saying to you, "be Mine." He is enthralled by your beauty (Psalm 45). No human being can love you as truly as He can.
It's time that we (and I'm speaking to myself, too) stop looking to others for the love that we can only get from God. Everything else pales in comparison.
Be encouraged, dear heart. You are loved, truly, deeply, completely.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Valentine's Day is a tough day for a lot of people--single and married. Delayed hopes have led to sickness and pain in many hearts, and the barrage of commercials, Facebook statuses and romantic movies just pour salt on the wounds of failed expectations.
I'm not here to continue that trend. I only want to tell you that you are loved. Really, truly loved.
I have been where some of you are. Hurt, lonely, confused. And I have experienced some of the deepest healing of my life through the journey God has me on. But it surprised me, the way He did it. It wasn't this relationship that healed me. Honest-to-goodness, what has healed my heart at the deepest level is truly embracing God's love for me. It was getting past the lies I've believed for so long and finally walking into the Truth of who I am, and--to be cliche but perfectly serious--Whose I am. While my fiance is wonderful and I adore him, he has not healed me. God has.
And you, my reader, have the chance to step into that journey of discovering His love for you now, just as you are, single or married or what-have-you.
No matter where you are, He is saying to you, "be Mine." He is enthralled by your beauty (Psalm 45). No human being can love you as truly as He can.
It's time that we (and I'm speaking to myself, too) stop looking to others for the love that we can only get from God. Everything else pales in comparison.
Be encouraged, dear heart. You are loved, truly, deeply, completely.
Happy Valentine's Day.
2.08.2012
ms. varner.
Ms. Varner died this week. She was 102 years old.
"I'm goin' around the second time," she used to say with a smile. Always cheerful, giving the sweetest smiles, even though she was confined to a bed and an oxygen machine.
It's my first loss since I've been going to this particular retirement home in our town. I figured it was coming, but I wasn't sure how it would feel.
The hard thing about serving in this kind of ministry is that, instead of seeing people get better, you watch them decline...and it's normal. Age and illness deteriorate these precious bodies right in front of your eyes. You see it, and you look past it. You try to make this day count--for them, and for you.
It's a unique pain, but honestly, it's beautiful. To get the chance to know some of these precious people, to learn their stories, their likes and dislikes, their senses of humor, their favorite songs...it truly is a blessing. The relationships you build are worth the potential loss.
I believe that's almost always the case.
It's worth it to pour yourself out. Because, at the end of the day, you made someone feel like they matter. And in turn, they made you a better person.
"I'm goin' around the second time," she used to say with a smile. Always cheerful, giving the sweetest smiles, even though she was confined to a bed and an oxygen machine.
It's my first loss since I've been going to this particular retirement home in our town. I figured it was coming, but I wasn't sure how it would feel.
The hard thing about serving in this kind of ministry is that, instead of seeing people get better, you watch them decline...and it's normal. Age and illness deteriorate these precious bodies right in front of your eyes. You see it, and you look past it. You try to make this day count--for them, and for you.
It's a unique pain, but honestly, it's beautiful. To get the chance to know some of these precious people, to learn their stories, their likes and dislikes, their senses of humor, their favorite songs...it truly is a blessing. The relationships you build are worth the potential loss.
I believe that's almost always the case.
It's worth it to pour yourself out. Because, at the end of the day, you made someone feel like they matter. And in turn, they made you a better person.
1.18.2012
life as a jam session.
I acknowledge Pastor Phil Strange’s latest message as the inspiration for this blog post…
Phil got me thinking recently about the idea of “life as a jam session.” For you non-musical folks, a jam session is when a group of musicians come together and improvise music. They create on the spot as a team. It takes familiarity with your craft and also with your fellow players to be able to do this successfully, because it involves the art of listening and then responding with the skills you already have. This is also the way of improv theater, come to think of it…
The more familiar you are with the other players, the easier this kind of improvising becomes. In terms of the worship team I play with, we have spent so much time together on and off the stage that we know each other intimately. Sometimes it’s like we can read each other’s minds, and the effect of that unity on our group dynamic is nothing short of incredible.
God moves in that kind of unity…
The thing about jam sessions is, you have no idea what you’re going to create until you’re actually there, doing it. With improv theater, you’re creating a scene on-the-spot with no script. You’re purposely venturing into the unknown—with an audience. For a lot of people, including myself, the unknown causes some anxiety. But as you build trust and relationship with the ones you’re venturing into the unknown alongside, the fear becomes less. At least you’re facing it together, and at least you know who’s by your side.
Isn’t it that way with God? The more intimately we come to know Him and His character, the more assured we can feel as we walk into unchartered territory. We can face the future, having absolutely no idea what it contains, because we know the One Who is beckoning us forward.
Now, He is Who He is, regardless of how well we think we know Him. He is always good, and He will never change. But our growing understanding of His Truth builds our faith so that we can step into His future for us with some level of assurance. It changes our perception, and that makes all the difference.
I’m learning that it’s our perception of our future that either propels us forward in confidence, or keeps us crippled in fear of the unknown.
When we embrace the intimacy God offers us, life really becomes a jam session between us and Him. He brings all His goodness, power and wisdom to the table, and we bring our hearts, personalities, passions, and every other good thing He has created. And the flaws…we bring the flaws, too. And that’s also good, because it provides other areas for Him to complete us.
I want to know God so well that I'm comfortable living life as a jam session with Him. When I look through the Bible, I see the glorious results of living that way…and I want in! I am determined to become a good improviser, because He has made me competent to do so. He is enough, and so am I...how about you?
Phil got me thinking recently about the idea of “life as a jam session.” For you non-musical folks, a jam session is when a group of musicians come together and improvise music. They create on the spot as a team. It takes familiarity with your craft and also with your fellow players to be able to do this successfully, because it involves the art of listening and then responding with the skills you already have. This is also the way of improv theater, come to think of it…
The more familiar you are with the other players, the easier this kind of improvising becomes. In terms of the worship team I play with, we have spent so much time together on and off the stage that we know each other intimately. Sometimes it’s like we can read each other’s minds, and the effect of that unity on our group dynamic is nothing short of incredible.
God moves in that kind of unity…
The thing about jam sessions is, you have no idea what you’re going to create until you’re actually there, doing it. With improv theater, you’re creating a scene on-the-spot with no script. You’re purposely venturing into the unknown—with an audience. For a lot of people, including myself, the unknown causes some anxiety. But as you build trust and relationship with the ones you’re venturing into the unknown alongside, the fear becomes less. At least you’re facing it together, and at least you know who’s by your side.
Isn’t it that way with God? The more intimately we come to know Him and His character, the more assured we can feel as we walk into unchartered territory. We can face the future, having absolutely no idea what it contains, because we know the One Who is beckoning us forward.
Now, He is Who He is, regardless of how well we think we know Him. He is always good, and He will never change. But our growing understanding of His Truth builds our faith so that we can step into His future for us with some level of assurance. It changes our perception, and that makes all the difference.
I’m learning that it’s our perception of our future that either propels us forward in confidence, or keeps us crippled in fear of the unknown.
When we embrace the intimacy God offers us, life really becomes a jam session between us and Him. He brings all His goodness, power and wisdom to the table, and we bring our hearts, personalities, passions, and every other good thing He has created. And the flaws…we bring the flaws, too. And that’s also good, because it provides other areas for Him to complete us.
I want to know God so well that I'm comfortable living life as a jam session with Him. When I look through the Bible, I see the glorious results of living that way…and I want in! I am determined to become a good improviser, because He has made me competent to do so. He is enough, and so am I...how about you?
1.17.2012
bowling.
This past weekend, Trav and I checked two things off our "dating bucket list": ice-skating and bowling. You would think that we would have accomplished these things when we first started dating, but they ended up being a part of our engagement period instead. I think it was better that way, at least regarding ice-skating. The fact that I was willing to stumble around on slippery ground and potentially look ridiculous for an hour and a half is indicative of true intimacy...
The bowling expedition was great fun, especially at the uninhabited Swamp Fox Lanes in Moncks Corner. The whole time I was thinking of Jim Gaffigan's bit on bowling...especially the dirtiness of the equipment.
There's something romantic about doing the simple things like bowling...what do you and your significant other like to do on dates?
1.02.2012
thankful Christmas!
it's been a busy and wonderful 9 days of Christmas so far...much to be thankful for. Here's a recap of the highlights to add onto my Thankful list:
-Christmas Eve dinner with my mom, my dad and stepmom, and my future in-laws. (It was great. How many people can boast of that? True redemption.)
-Christmas morning with Mom
-Christmas Day dinner with 20 or so friends and family members--one big family, really.
-wearing lots of fun, dangly earrings
-dreaming of the future with Travis
-counting down the days 'til the wedding
-watching "Wives and Daughters" multiple times
-drinking tea at home
-drinking tea with future mom-in-law at This Whole House
-coffee, coffee, coffee
-a whole week of quiet mornings with Bingley
-taco night
-Scrabble
-"War Horse" and "We Bought a Zoo"
-"Megamind" and "How to Train Your Dragon"
-holiday scented candles, supremely discounted
-buying our first Christmas tree
-new kitchen toys to play with
-a cat stocking for Bingley
-watching Travis shoot his rifle
-cheering on Jeanne while she tests out new zombie video games
-date night
-changing out my closet and giving clothes away
-having a relaxed schedule for an entire week (thank you, Greg Surratt!)
-thinking about reading a book...but too busy relaxing to actually do it...so I'll blog instead. :)
Happy New Year to you!
-Christmas Eve dinner with my mom, my dad and stepmom, and my future in-laws. (It was great. How many people can boast of that? True redemption.)
-Christmas morning with Mom
-Christmas Day dinner with 20 or so friends and family members--one big family, really.
-wearing lots of fun, dangly earrings
-dreaming of the future with Travis
-counting down the days 'til the wedding
-watching "Wives and Daughters" multiple times
-drinking tea at home
-drinking tea with future mom-in-law at This Whole House
-coffee, coffee, coffee
-a whole week of quiet mornings with Bingley
-taco night
-Scrabble
-"War Horse" and "We Bought a Zoo"
-"Megamind" and "How to Train Your Dragon"
-holiday scented candles, supremely discounted
-buying our first Christmas tree
-new kitchen toys to play with
-a cat stocking for Bingley
-watching Travis shoot his rifle
-cheering on Jeanne while she tests out new zombie video games
-date night
-changing out my closet and giving clothes away
-having a relaxed schedule for an entire week (thank you, Greg Surratt!)
-thinking about reading a book...but too busy relaxing to actually do it...so I'll blog instead. :)
Happy New Year to you!
12.14.2011
thankful fifteen
#335 - 358
answered prayers
Glenn Miller's Christmas music
wrapping presents
buying stocking stuffers
wearing big hoop earrings
an unexpected note from my cousin in Thailand
our all-staff Christmas parties
oyster roasts!
laughing so hard I cry, especially in quiet places (sorry, Barnes & Noble)
ironic humor
buy-one-get-one-free
love notes
mint chocolate gum
finding home decor that both Travis and I like
pictures that remind me of the day we got engaged
being on the same page
the Food Network
new cookbooks, even if I rarely use the recipes within
the series Planet Earth, which showed me aspects of God's creation I didn't know existed
a torch-lit canoe ride through a black cypress swamp on a cold night
hearing a good storyteller make a familiar tale sound new again
receiving photo Christmas cards of families I love
camels
finding the joy in the mundane
answered prayers
Glenn Miller's Christmas music
wrapping presents
buying stocking stuffers
wearing big hoop earrings
an unexpected note from my cousin in Thailand
our all-staff Christmas parties
oyster roasts!
laughing so hard I cry, especially in quiet places (sorry, Barnes & Noble)
ironic humor
buy-one-get-one-free
love notes
mint chocolate gum
finding home decor that both Travis and I like
pictures that remind me of the day we got engaged
being on the same page
the Food Network
new cookbooks, even if I rarely use the recipes within
the series Planet Earth, which showed me aspects of God's creation I didn't know existed
a torch-lit canoe ride through a black cypress swamp on a cold night
hearing a good storyteller make a familiar tale sound new again
receiving photo Christmas cards of families I love
camels
finding the joy in the mundane
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