The Candy Corn Story

Is anybody actually reading this thing? I guess we'll find out...

Let's go back to my junior year of college. One day--I think it was a Tuesday--I was sitting in English class, zoning off as usual. There was something special about this day, though, because I was enjoying some candy corn that my dad had bought for me the night before. I don't eat candy corn much, so this was a treat. And because I don't eat candy corn much, I was not familiar with what stale candy corn tastes like. It's hard and chewy, unlike the fresh kind, which is soft and dissolves pretty easily (I am now quite knowledgeable about this subject). Well anyway, there I am, practically crunching on candy corn, and I take a sip of water. Then I choke on the water. (This is NOT out of the ordinary for me...)

Well, now I'm embarrassed because I've just choked on water in front of thirty people (CSU is a very small school). So I'm recovering myself as quietly as possible when I notice that there's an uncomfortable sensation in my nose. It felt like one side of my nose was pinched--but not in my nostril. Up in my sinuses. And I literally thought to myself, "I have a piece of candy corn lodged in my nasal passage."

My first thought was to go to the bathroom and see if I could dislodge it by blowing my nose. No good. Meanwhile, that side of my nose started to run and my sinuses really started to hurt. But what could I do? So I went through my day, delivered a monologue in class, ran errands and then thought, "Well, maybe if I use some nasal spray, it'll open up my sinuses and the piece of candy corn will just fall out."

So I go to the Publix pharmacy. But I figured maybe I should ask a professional to see if my instincts were correct, so I went to the ladies at the pharmacy and proceeded to tell them the story. They looked at me like I was nuts. Apparently saying "I've got a piece of candy corn lodged in my nasal passage" indicates that I have physically shoved it up my nose.

Well, the pleasant pharmacy people told me that, no, I musn't use nasal spray, because that would push the candy further up my sinuses and cause an infection. And, they said, the candy will NOT dissolve in my sinuses (this is important info for later). They said I do not have the enzymes in my nose that are needed to dissolve things. "So you'd better go to the emergency room!" they said. Yeah, right.

So then my dad suggested that I visit the local family physician, whom I had never seen before. I rolled in at 4:45, just as the receptionist was locking the door. I rushed to the door and began to explain the situation, and she, seeing my age and the fact that I wasn't joking about what I had done, burst out laughing. She was almost at the point of tears by the time she put the key back in the door to go call the doctor. She gets on the phone with him and says, "There's a girl here who---BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!" She finally communicated that there was "a girl" who had "got candy corn stuck up her nose", and the doctor turned around from his trip home to come look at me. (By the way, kudos to Dr. Ewens. A very good sport.)

The doctor arrives and sees the two of us (the only ones there) standing at the receptionist desk. He greets me and then looks around, saying "Where's the child with candy corn stuck up her nose?" "That'd be me," I said. The laughter commenced once again.

He takes me back to the examination room, where he proceeds to shove that pointy flash-light nose thing up my nose, of course assuming that I had SHOVED THE CANDY UP MY NOSE. I had to explain again how it actually happened. Then, after we vetoed an unnecessary, uncomfortable, and ridiculous procedure he has had to do on a few kids in similar situations, he said, "Well, just go get some nasal spray. It'll either fall out or dissolve. You have enzymes in your sinuses that will dissolve things anyway."

Somebody needs to talk to those pharmacists.

So I bought some nasal spray, used it, and promptly got a cold. The candy corn went away within 18 hours or so.

And that is the candy corn story. If you would like verification, email Todd. ;)
What's the moral? Who knows. Just please, don't give me stale candy. My body doesn't know what to do with it.