thankful four.

#51 - 69

Jane Austen (I will be eternally grateful.)

Regina Spektor

hot water on cold feet

a cardinal sighting

multi-colored leaves against a blue sky

having a day when it doesn't matter what time it is

jigsaw puzzles

a C.S. Lewis quote

the chance to encourage a friend

seeing Mr. Bingley proudly carry around a catnip mouse

game night

the promise of a good novel waiting to be read after work

problem-solving that actually works

a quick rain shower that resets the day

pictures of Ada and Tuller, my friend's miracle twins

being the sole hearer of a bird's proud morning song

working with a team of people who never take themselves too seriously

seeing tears of Godly passion on a friend's face

watching a young one figure things out

dance off.

Be still before the LORD
and wait patiently for Him...
Psalm 37:7

So not only am I a fixer and a do-er, but I'm also a recovering perfectionist. And let me tell you, those perfectionist tendences are fighting with everything they have as I engage in this process of learning to sit and just be. The perfectionist doesn't like the unresolved. It treats anything left undone like a cancer. "There MUST be a solution, and it MUST be discovered NOW. Inaction is sinful," it says. Hmmm, arguable. But regardless of the sin issue, God does not actually call us to inaction when He tells us to be still and wait patiently.

Hear me out: not only is there is great value in being still before the Lord, it's commanded several times in the Bible. It is not to be ignored, especially when everything in us tells us to run around frantically trying to fix things. Being still before God allows us to hear His voice and receive His strength, clarity, and overwhelming love. It's absolutely necessary to survive, as God says in Isaiah 30:15--"In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength..."

But being still is not the only thing instructed in Psalm 37. The other part is "wait patiently." You might think that this means to sit until things get resolved. Not a very practical plan. But actually, the original Hebrew term for "wait patiently" means a "slow dance." This is amazing to me: God invites us to be still before Him--to lay all our burdens down--and then to dance with Him.

God is offering us unbroken, beautiful partnership in the midst of the unresolved.

When someone you love does something that annoys you, or has a legitimate issue that they must deal with in their lives, do you hold them at arm's length until they get their act together? Or do you continue in relationship with them, loving them through the ups and downs of life? This is the nature of the dance that God invites us to join--a fluidity of motion, a tender partnership that moves gracefully around all the little piles of unresolved stuff.

And I find that it is through keeping up with Him in the dance that my stuff gets worked out. For me, a lot of my problems are rooted in not fully understanding or receiving His love for me. But when I'm dancing with Him, I can't really look inward so much, or else I'll trip. And the fact that He offers this kind of intimacy to me all the time, no matter what is going on, is healing me beyond what I can express.

My friend Josh says that you can't speed up your recovery; you can only slow it down. For me, slowing down my recovery as a perfectionist would mean continuing to try and fix myself. And I just simply can't do it.

I'd much rather dance.

unresolved beauty.

Be still before the LORD
and wait patiently for Him…
Psalm 37:7

What is it about being still before the Lord that is so difficult?

For me, it’s the fact that I hate the unresolved. Hate it. Doesn’t matter what it is – an unanswered question, a conflict I’m not sure how to solve, an area of weakness I’ve discovered in myself – if it’s unresolved, it torments me. I’m a fixer, a doer. I want answers, and I want them now. Maybe this is why I dislike brainstorming meetings so much. Too much is left open-ended! "Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it!!" I scream inside my head as the meetings drone on...

This intolerance of the unresolved used to really hinder me from enjoying being with the Lord, too. As I poured out my heart with specific issues, questions, and anxieties of the moment, I would sort of wait, hoping to hear something that would resolve everything. And very often, I wouldn’t hear a definitive answer at that moment. So I got up from those times thinking I had done something wrong. “Surely God would have answered my question if He were pleased with me,” I believed. I came away feeling more worried and condemned than I did before I sat down!

So God decided to put a stop to that, praise Him. He is now teaching me to be still before Him…and to enjoy it. It has been an irksome process, let me tell you, but one that I want to fully engage in. I want to get free.

I’m discovering a lot. Turns out He enjoys me, even with all the unresolved stuff. Turns out He’s not quite as concerned about each of my issues as I am…but that doesn’t mean He doesn’t care. Quite the opposite – the Bible is clear that God is concerned with every detail of our lives, down to the exact number of hairs on our heads, and He loves us more than we could love ourselves. And of course, He is concerned with working out the sin issues in our lives. But I think He has a different set of priorities than I do in terms of my personal growth.

This drives me crazy sometimes. To not have my questions answered when I want them is hard to deal with. But it occurs to me that if it were of utmost importance to God to answer my inquiry or solve my issue right at this moment, He would. I believe He would do whatever it took to give me an unmistakable answer if it were that important for my life. But if He’s not answering it right now, it leads me to believe that my question might not be quite as important as I think it is. And if the issue of the moment is not first on God’s agenda of things to focus on, should it really be first on mine?

If you are reading this and you are wrestling with some very serious unknowns, KEEP SEEKING. KEEP KNOCKING. Don’t give up. God loves you and He is not ignoring you. And of course, I will continue to pray about all my concerns – God definitely wants that!

But for me, it’s often the little things that hijack my mind, causing me to focus on worry after worry. I’m tired of letting those gnats ruin my time with the Lord. So instead, I am learning to ask, be still, and then listen for what it is that He wants to focus on in my life. Often this means that my questions go unanswered for a while. But learning to enjoy Him in the midst of the unresolved...well, for me, that is freedom.

So, what about being still before the Lord is difficult for you?

thankful three.

As I continue building my list of observable little daily gifts from God, I'm noticing a change in my outlook. Expectation, excitement, an involuntary smile...

#33-50

a dash of cinnamon

a song that I can play over and over and I still want to dance

a mug with the face of a Disney character

singing harmony

the smell of vanilla rooibos tea

a big flower in one's hair

gray eyes

exploring unfamiliar trails

a trinket that reminds me of a friendship

black pads on white paws

shared excitement

Gerald's Tires

thirty minutes in the sunshine

realizing I'm closer to health than I once was

the man i love reaching for my hand

reconciliation

experiencing, if for only a few moments, rest on every side

a new friend.