psalm 18: my story.

I found my story in Psalm 18 the other night. I’ve read that passage many times and clung to its promises, but I just realized it chronicles my journey over the past two years.

My verse 4 came around this time two years ago. I had been grieving for months over an event that broke my heart. Do you know what it’s like when you know the sun is shining outside, but you can’t feel it? It was like that for me, for months. I felt like I was walking in a rain cloud everywhere I went. I was doing everything I knew to do—praying, getting others to pray for me, reading the Bible—but I just wasn’t getting better. There was just one thing I hadn’t been willing to do yet, mostly because I thought that, if I had to do it, I must really be crazy. I didn’t want to be labeled “crazy,” even though I honestly felt like I was going insane.

I remember the moment. I was driving into my mother’s neighborhood to cry things out over lunch (a frequent habit for me at the time), and I remember thinking, “I’ve done all I can do. I’m at the end of myself. God, whatever I need to do, I will.”

That was when I looked into getting counseling.

Now, for some of you, that’s not a big deal. You understand the need for counseling and how it works. I, however, was coming from the (wrong) perspective that, if you need counseling, you are really messed up. But the truth was that I really did need help, so if my thinking I was “messed up” was what it took for me to get the help I needed, then it was worth it. Whatever the method, I came to the end of myself and was willing to try something I had been afraid of.

So I admitted to someone in the know that I needed counseling, and I got a recommendation. God’s provision was in that recommendation, because the person I ended up with was so fitted to understand my personality that I cannot doubt the hand of God in guiding me there. That started my true healing process, and it touched more areas of my heart than I can recount.

I had been thinking that faith was supposed to be enough to get me through the difficult times, and because it wasn’t, I must be failing. My faith must not be enough.

But it turns out that I did have enough faith. It takes faith to ask for help. It takes faith to try what you’ve never tried. It even takes faith to follow God into a counseling office.

And in those next 18 months, God rent the heavens and came to my rescue. The foundations of my belief system were shaken, and the rotten bricks were torn out. He exposed lies I had believed about myself and about Him, and through counseling, gave me the tools I needed to replace them with His Truth. (Turns out there are practical, cognitive ways of “taking every thought captive!”)

He led me to books, teachings, and Scriptures that talked about the very things I was dealing with. He sent people into my life to help carry me. He even brought my husband into my world at the exact same time I started counseling, and he has been instrumental in my healing.

God spared no expense, yet again, in getting me free. He rescued me from my despair.

It was a long, arduous process to get me free…but I am free. And not only free, but strong! My enemy has truly lost his ground, and he will not take it back. And I will not turn back until he is destroyed…

Does this mean I don’t still struggle from time to time? No. The same thoughts still try to come back and get me to fear. But I know how to fight them now, and they will not conquer me.

I’m telling you this to tell you there is hope, no matter your situation. Psalm 18 can be your story, too. I’m not saying counseling is the magic answer to your prayers, but I encourage you to broaden your view of how God wants to heal you. He wants you to be free, and He will do whatever it takes to get you there. It may be hard, but nothing could be more worth the freedom and healing that is on the other side.

be Mine.

I just wanted to take a moment and give you a breather from all the hearts, candy, and red-and-pink combos that, for whatever reason, accompany the 14th of February.

Valentine's Day is a tough day for a lot of people--single and married. Delayed hopes have led to sickness and pain in many hearts, and the barrage of commercials, Facebook statuses and romantic movies just pour salt on the wounds of failed expectations.

I'm not here to continue that trend. I only want to tell you that you are loved. Really, truly loved.

I have been where some of you are. Hurt, lonely, confused. And I have experienced some of the deepest healing of my life through the journey God has me on. But it surprised me, the way He did it. It wasn't this relationship that healed me. Honest-to-goodness, what has healed my heart at the deepest level is truly embracing God's love for me. It was getting past the lies I've believed for so long and finally walking into the Truth of who I am, and--to be cliche but perfectly serious--Whose I am. While my fiance is wonderful and I adore him, he has not healed me. God has.

And you, my reader, have the chance to step into that journey of discovering His love for you now, just as you are, single or married or what-have-you.

No matter where you are, He is saying to you, "be Mine." He is enthralled by your beauty (Psalm 45). No human being can love you as truly as He can.

It's time that we (and I'm speaking to myself, too) stop looking to others for the love that we can only get from God. Everything else pales in comparison.

Be encouraged, dear heart. You are loved, truly, deeply, completely.

Happy Valentine's Day.

ms. varner.

Ms. Varner died this week. She was 102 years old.

"I'm goin' around the second time," she used to say with a smile. Always cheerful, giving the sweetest smiles, even though she was confined to a bed and an oxygen machine.

It's my first loss since I've been going to this particular retirement home in our town. I figured it was coming, but I wasn't sure how it would feel.

The hard thing about serving in this kind of ministry is that, instead of seeing people get better, you watch them decline...and it's normal. Age and illness deteriorate these precious bodies right in front of your eyes. You see it, and you look past it. You try to make this day count--for them, and for you.

It's a unique pain, but honestly, it's beautiful. To get the chance to know some of these precious people, to learn their stories, their likes and dislikes, their senses of humor, their favorite songs...it truly is a blessing. The relationships you build are worth the potential loss.

I believe that's almost always the case.

It's worth it to pour yourself out. Because, at the end of the day, you made someone feel like they matter. And in turn, they made you a better person.