guest.

I guest-wrote on my friend Shawn Wood's blog a while back...thought I should add it here, too.

"Give ME Back MY Jeans and Be a Man: A Single Girl's Perspective.

Stop making excuses and be honest.

Lately, I’ve noticed a disheartening lack of willingness to be honest about what’s really going on in a relationship. I see it when a guy’s got a serious problem and needs help, but is unwilling to ask for it. I see it when a guy suddenly changes his behavior toward his friends because of an offense and then act as if nothing odd has happened. I see it when a guy really wants to break up with his girlfriend, but “doesn’t want to hurt her.”

(Disclaimer: I am very well aware that this happens in both guys and girls, but as Shawn asked me to write this about guys, you males will receive the brunt of what I have to say. Sorry.)
Here’s the thing. The problem is not that you have an issue, or that you want to break up, or that you’re hurt by something someone said. The problem is that you’re not owning up to it. And so it seems that you either become passive-aggressive, or you start making excuses.

The truth is, both of these options will potentially destroy the relationship you’re trying to preserve.

By acting or speaking indirectly in order to avoid conflict, you actually create it. By avoiding an honest conversation that may cause pain, you actually increase the pain we end up dealing with when the truth finally comes out…and it will come out. And we girls can get very confused when things change suddenly with no explanation. Don’t leave us to “fill in the blanks” on our own; that never goes well.

Just tell us what’s up—most of us can handle it, especially if we’re walking with the Lord. You might be surprised at how many of us are willing to work through conflict in order to save a friendship.

And I just need to get this off my chest…If you are in a dating relationship that you want to get out of, do not –I repeat, DO NOT—use God as an excuse. Perhaps you’ve heard the line, “I just need to focus on God for a while.” News flash—God is supposed to be the center of your life ALL THE TIME. Focusing on Him is not a seasonal thing; it’s a lifestyle. And it’s not what you really mean, anyway. Saying that you need space because you “want to focus on God” is just a really nice way of saying, “I want to break up with you, but I don’t want to own up to it. And maybe, if I use God as an excuse, I won’t have to handle the consequences of hurting you.”

You’re probably wondering if I’ve heard this line in past dating experiences. Yes, I have. And it nearly destroyed my desire to love again. But I’m not going to lie—I’ve also used it myself. And it’s total bunk.

How about we just leave God out of it?

Don’t misunderstand me—I am a devoted follower of Christ. I adore Him. I want to go wherever He leads and do as He guides. However, I am not a robot. The decisions I make are my own, and I must be willing to accept the consequences of those decisions, good or bad. Saying “God told me to” is just an attempt to avoid those consequences.

(And think about how that could come across to the other person, by the way. It could very possibly lead to them thinking, “I’m in love with this person, but God obviously doesn’t want them to be with me…God must be against me.” Oh, the problems therein…)

Guys, if you’ve decided you don’t want to continue dating the girl you’re with, own up to it. Don’t get shifty and start avoiding her. Don’t be shady and make excuses. Be honest. She may hate you for a minute, but she’ll appreciate you later for not leading her on.

The point is this: Guys, you honor us by telling us the truth in love – even if we don’t act “honored” at first. You show more value and respect for us and for the relationship by addressing the issues squarely than by avoiding them to “save” us from hurting.

So step up. Be a leader of integrity in the relationship—be it friendship or other.

Be honest. Be a man."

rust.

I have a shower caddy in my bathroom. It’s pretty and silver and shiny…at least, it was. Pretty soon after I bought it, the thing began to rust. (This is normal for me, by the way—I’m not sure I’ve ever had a shower caddy that didn’t deconstruct rather quickly. And I call that a fundamental flaw.) I noticed it right away. I realized I needed to take my Herbal Essences shampoo and St. Ives body wash off of the top rack, go buy an S.O.S. pad, and do a little scrubbing. That’s all—an hour of my time—and the rust would be gone.

But I could think of at least 20 other things I’d rather do in that hour. So I did one of those things instead. And not surprisingly, the rust got worse and worse. Today, I noticed that about a third of the bottom rack is covered in orange. It’s happened so gradually that I almost got used to it looking that way. But pretty soon, if I don’t take care of it, I’ll have to throw it away and get a new one. Again.

It actually reminded me of some situations in my life where I’ve noticed some rust…a growing tendency to procrastinate, an aversion of exercise, a sudden “weirdness” in a close relationship. And when I notice the “rust,” I have a choice: I can either take an S.O.S. pad and scrub the thing (change my attitude or confront the relational problem) or I can ignore it and just stand back as the situation deteriorates.

If I choose the latter, however, the thing will soon become like my rusted-out, useless shower caddy, which is more likely to cause tetanus than bring any good to the world.

I wonder if I’m the only one…

Sometimes I look around and I see relational carnage—people leaving jobs because of friendships gone sour, breakups over conflict that was never resolved, people just not talking to each other…and they don’t even know why…and I wonder: if the root issue had been addressed early on, in honesty and love, as soon as the rust began to grow, could the relationship have been saved?

If I had dealt with my shower caddy early on, it could still be usable now. Are we willing to deal with the rust in our lives as soon as it appears? Our relationships depend on it...