brutus.

I have an "Everyday Shakespeare" pull-a-page calendar on my desk.

Don't judge me.

This week, there was a quote from Julius Caesar that really struck me. Ligarius is talking to Brutus and says,
"Set on your foot,
And with a heart new-fired I follow you,
To do I know not what. But it sufficeth
That Brutus leads me on."

It got me thinking...

As a leader, it is really quite something to hear a person of sound mind say that they'll follow you anywhere. What a declaration of trust! And while we should be honored by the sentiment, we as leaders have to continually remember (and admit) that we're human. If I'm totally honest, following me blindly probably isn't the best idea. There's a good chance I'm going to lead people right into stupid things sometimes if they aren't careful to keep me in check.

Really, the only person we should follow that "blindly" is Jesus.

It reminded me of Barak and Deborah in Judges 4...Deborah tells Barak that he should go fight in a certain battle because God is going to give him victory. But Barak basically says, "Uh, yeah, that's great, but if you're not going, I'm not going either." He trusted Deborah's leadership and relationship with God more than his own at that point, when God had specifically called Barak! And because of his preference to follow Deborah rather than God, he forfeited getting the victory in the battle.

At no point do I want my team to follow me above following Jesus. While I pray that I will always lead in such a way that they'll never have to choose between me and God, you never know. As I said, I'm human. The best I can do is equip them to follow God on their own, no matter what. And I think that should be the desire of our hearts as leaders--that our followers may say to God (rather than just us): "Set on your foot, and with a heart new-fired I follow You, to do I know not what. But it sufficeth that Jesus leads me on..."

release.

I have been pondering lately about our inherent struggle with the issue of forgiveness when we've been wronged. There are a myriad of excuses we can use to try exempt ourselves from this command of God, but I think one of the most deceptive ones is, "I'm just waiting for that person to apologize."

And here's what I know about that.

Forgiveness has nothing to do with an apology.

I think we want apologies because they make us feel like we could forgive more easily. But as we can’t control the other person’s heart or actions, we can’t guarantee that we’ll ever receive an acknowledgement of the wrong that’s been done. And if we wait to feel like forgiving, we will probably never obey.

Examples: Jesus forgave the men who crucified Him while they were committing the act. On a more personal level, Romans 5:8 says, “While we were still sinners, Christ died for us”(emphasis mine). He forgave us before we even thought to ask for it.

So, the idea of waiting for someone to apologize before we choose to forgive is bogus. The person you’re thinking of may never fully realize the extent of the damage they’ve done. They simply may never apologize. But that does not release you from your responsibility to forgive.

Now, if forgiveness has nothing to do with an apology, then that means...

Healing has nothing to do with an apology.

Consider it on a practical level for a minute. Let’s say the person does apologize. Will that undo what’s been done? Will that erase the pain you’ve suffered, or the consequences of their actions? While it may make it easier for you to feel like forgiving, it does not undo the damage.

The healing is in the forgiveness, not in the apology.

Personal story…I experienced something in college that left me broken-hearted, confused, and angry. I had been extremely hurt by someone, and he was not owning up to it.

That began a very long process of forgiveness and healing that was completely separate from guy involved. God had to take me through a journey of releasing the pain through totally forgiving the act, in order that I might receive His healing. No apology could fix this. No amount of repentance could undo the damage. I had no inherent ability to heal myself. This was God’s work alone, and it took a long time for me to be willing to accept that.

However, once I did truly forgive him (and I clearly remember that moment), the freedom came. Again, this had nothing to do with the guy involved. This was solely me and God working things out, and it took years before all the pieces were put back together.

Years later, after a random series of events, I received the apology I had desired so long ago. And instead of it being something I needed for closure, it actually came as more of a gift from God to bless an already healed heart.

God is capable of restoring the most broken of hearts. He alone is the One with the balm. No words can justify, no human acknowledgement can heal. It's Him, and Him alone, and He is able.

Forgive the person. I know for certain that God will take care of everything else.

guest.

I guest-wrote on my friend Shawn Wood's blog a while back...thought I should add it here, too.

"Give ME Back MY Jeans and Be a Man: A Single Girl's Perspective.

Stop making excuses and be honest.

Lately, I’ve noticed a disheartening lack of willingness to be honest about what’s really going on in a relationship. I see it when a guy’s got a serious problem and needs help, but is unwilling to ask for it. I see it when a guy suddenly changes his behavior toward his friends because of an offense and then act as if nothing odd has happened. I see it when a guy really wants to break up with his girlfriend, but “doesn’t want to hurt her.”

(Disclaimer: I am very well aware that this happens in both guys and girls, but as Shawn asked me to write this about guys, you males will receive the brunt of what I have to say. Sorry.)
Here’s the thing. The problem is not that you have an issue, or that you want to break up, or that you’re hurt by something someone said. The problem is that you’re not owning up to it. And so it seems that you either become passive-aggressive, or you start making excuses.

The truth is, both of these options will potentially destroy the relationship you’re trying to preserve.

By acting or speaking indirectly in order to avoid conflict, you actually create it. By avoiding an honest conversation that may cause pain, you actually increase the pain we end up dealing with when the truth finally comes out…and it will come out. And we girls can get very confused when things change suddenly with no explanation. Don’t leave us to “fill in the blanks” on our own; that never goes well.

Just tell us what’s up—most of us can handle it, especially if we’re walking with the Lord. You might be surprised at how many of us are willing to work through conflict in order to save a friendship.

And I just need to get this off my chest…If you are in a dating relationship that you want to get out of, do not –I repeat, DO NOT—use God as an excuse. Perhaps you’ve heard the line, “I just need to focus on God for a while.” News flash—God is supposed to be the center of your life ALL THE TIME. Focusing on Him is not a seasonal thing; it’s a lifestyle. And it’s not what you really mean, anyway. Saying that you need space because you “want to focus on God” is just a really nice way of saying, “I want to break up with you, but I don’t want to own up to it. And maybe, if I use God as an excuse, I won’t have to handle the consequences of hurting you.”

You’re probably wondering if I’ve heard this line in past dating experiences. Yes, I have. And it nearly destroyed my desire to love again. But I’m not going to lie—I’ve also used it myself. And it’s total bunk.

How about we just leave God out of it?

Don’t misunderstand me—I am a devoted follower of Christ. I adore Him. I want to go wherever He leads and do as He guides. However, I am not a robot. The decisions I make are my own, and I must be willing to accept the consequences of those decisions, good or bad. Saying “God told me to” is just an attempt to avoid those consequences.

(And think about how that could come across to the other person, by the way. It could very possibly lead to them thinking, “I’m in love with this person, but God obviously doesn’t want them to be with me…God must be against me.” Oh, the problems therein…)

Guys, if you’ve decided you don’t want to continue dating the girl you’re with, own up to it. Don’t get shifty and start avoiding her. Don’t be shady and make excuses. Be honest. She may hate you for a minute, but she’ll appreciate you later for not leading her on.

The point is this: Guys, you honor us by telling us the truth in love – even if we don’t act “honored” at first. You show more value and respect for us and for the relationship by addressing the issues squarely than by avoiding them to “save” us from hurting.

So step up. Be a leader of integrity in the relationship—be it friendship or other.

Be honest. Be a man."

rust.

I have a shower caddy in my bathroom. It’s pretty and silver and shiny…at least, it was. Pretty soon after I bought it, the thing began to rust. (This is normal for me, by the way—I’m not sure I’ve ever had a shower caddy that didn’t deconstruct rather quickly. And I call that a fundamental flaw.) I noticed it right away. I realized I needed to take my Herbal Essences shampoo and St. Ives body wash off of the top rack, go buy an S.O.S. pad, and do a little scrubbing. That’s all—an hour of my time—and the rust would be gone.

But I could think of at least 20 other things I’d rather do in that hour. So I did one of those things instead. And not surprisingly, the rust got worse and worse. Today, I noticed that about a third of the bottom rack is covered in orange. It’s happened so gradually that I almost got used to it looking that way. But pretty soon, if I don’t take care of it, I’ll have to throw it away and get a new one. Again.

It actually reminded me of some situations in my life where I’ve noticed some rust…a growing tendency to procrastinate, an aversion of exercise, a sudden “weirdness” in a close relationship. And when I notice the “rust,” I have a choice: I can either take an S.O.S. pad and scrub the thing (change my attitude or confront the relational problem) or I can ignore it and just stand back as the situation deteriorates.

If I choose the latter, however, the thing will soon become like my rusted-out, useless shower caddy, which is more likely to cause tetanus than bring any good to the world.

I wonder if I’m the only one…

Sometimes I look around and I see relational carnage—people leaving jobs because of friendships gone sour, breakups over conflict that was never resolved, people just not talking to each other…and they don’t even know why…and I wonder: if the root issue had been addressed early on, in honesty and love, as soon as the rust began to grow, could the relationship have been saved?

If I had dealt with my shower caddy early on, it could still be usable now. Are we willing to deal with the rust in our lives as soon as it appears? Our relationships depend on it...

girls.

Something stood out to me when I listened to Geoff’s message this past weekend. When he said that women need to feel loved, beautiful, valuable and safe, my first thought was, “Are the men treating us like that?” But the next (and more persistent) thought was, “Do I treat the women in my life like that?”

Sometimes we cast the entire responsibility onto men for making sure we’re being treated the right way. But I see just as much damage coming from women toward other women as I do from men! You ladies know what I’m talking about. We get competitive and catty. We get jealous and judgmental. We gossip and tear down, and if we’re on the receiving end of such treatment, we walk away feeling unloved, ugly, unvalued, and in danger of receiving even more pain from each other. I think this is a major reason a lot of us avoid women-oriented groups or events...

(By the way, if you have trouble thinking of an example of this in your life, just try to remember what it was like to be a girl in the 7th grade—that ought to bring up a shudder-worthy mental picture. We tend to start early, don’t we?)

What I realized is that I, too, have the responsibility to treat the women in my life as loved, beautiful, valuable and safe—no matter who they are. And in terms of godly character, we can’t expect the men to do what we’re not doing ourselves. Let’s step up and be the women God created us to be…and let’s start with how we treat each other.

delight.

There are a few sounds I delight in lately...

• my favorite two-year-old clapping his hands and saying, "Yay Sarah!" when the band finishes the service
• my band doing an impromptu jam - just because they can
• this baby's laugh
• the intro of AKUS' Choctaw Hayride...oh yeah.
• my phone beeping with a new text message
• calling a loved one who's suffered from unemployment for almost a year and finally hearing them say, "I can't talk right now - I'm still at work."

risky.

Loving a person just the way they are, that’s no small thing
Takes some time to see things through
Sometimes things change, sometimes we’re waiting
We need grace either way...
Hold onto me, and I’ll hold onto you
Let’s find out the beauty of seeing things through…

-Sara Groves, “Loving a Person”

Sometimes getting hurt makes you question what love is supposed to look like. It makes you wonder whether it’s really worth the good possibility of getting hurt. And really, those answers can only be found when you look at some examples of real love. Here’s what I discovered about love when I considered a few of the precious people God has placed in my life…

Love is when someone looks me in the eye and says, “Sarah, whatever decision you make, we’ll get through it together.” In that moment, they are committing to walking through the mess and dirt of life with me –even if I make the wrong decision and bring consequences on myself. They are not going to let me figure this out alone.

Love is when someone lets me completely freak out for a moment (or a day, or a week, or longer…), and in the next moment acts as if nothing odd has happened.

Love is patient. It’s a commitment to the time it will take to “see things through.” Going a step further, it’s a commitment to let a person become all that God plans for them to be – in His timing, not yours – and to love them through the process.

Once upon a time, I thought loving a person would be easy. I figured it would just come naturally. Now, in my less-naïve years, I’m finding that love takes time, work, and risk – more risk than I was prepared for. And it doesn’t come naturally at all – at least, not with some people, in some situations. It’s not clean and simple. It’s not convenient. And it’s certainly not pain-free. I didn’t expect that.

I suppose we could just choose to forego the whole thing to avoid getting hurt…I mean, let’s face it – getting hurt really, really stinks. It can leave scars and take what feels like an eternity to get over. But if we aren’t willing to take the risk of committing, investing and putting ourselves out there, we won’t ever get to experience real love. And what do we gain by protecting ourselves to such a degree, anyway? Are we not created to be filled up and poured out again? Are we not meant to live lives of passion and purpose? Are we not designed to further the kingdom of God?

Can we accomplish any of this without love?

Physically speaking, our hearts are meant to pulse and work and strain to keep the body alive. It's the same with the Body of Christ...it can only survive when we exercise the strength of our hearts in loving one another.

walk.

“For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life…” Matthew 7:14 (ESV)

The way is hard. I seem to forget that concept pretty frequently, judging by my utter shock when things don’t seem to work out the way I’d like right away – especially when I know I’ve made the right choice, that I’ve taken a step in the right direction.

I wish things could be easier on this journey toward Home. Clearer, cleaner…but often times, they aren’t. Sometimes I move forward, knowing what God has called me to do in a particular situation, and things don’t get any clearer. Sometimes they get more confusing. And all I can do is just trust that God is good, and that what He has said is true, and…well, that’s pretty much it.

And as I look at some examples in the Bible, I see that things never worked all out that easily. They worked out, yes, but there were always obstacles – things that people like Abraham, Moses, Joseph, David, Esther, and countless others didn’t expect. Some things that were their fault, but a lot of things that weren’t. And there were waiting periods. Long waiting periods – decades, for some – where these heroes of our faith were walking in the dark. They didn’t know what was going to happen. They didn’t know how things were going to turn out. They just knew they had to keep moving forward, step by step, and hold onto the only thing they knew – that God was faithful.

And He was. And He is.

My own journey these days feels more like this: baby step by baby step…then take another small step…now pause and wait for a minute, ask some questions, wrestle with what I know to be true…then take another small step...

Some days it feels like I’m not getting anywhere. However, a wise person told me once that sometimes God only illuminates the next step – not twenty steps down the road, not even three. Just the very next step. And you take it, and then He shows the next one, and so on. That’s tough, because I want to know where things are going now. But I trust that what He says is true. He says the way is hard – and I am experiencing that – but it leads to life.

My encouragement to you, fellow sojourner, is this: Don’t lose heart. Even if you find yourself stopped on the road for a minute, don’t give up. Even if you feel completely in the dark, even though you know you’re on the right path, He has not led you astray. Cry out if you need to. Grope around in the dark for a minute…and find His hands…and take another baby step forward. He is leading us to life.

smile.

happiness is...

• a chocolate coke from Guerin's Pharmacy
• a playlist including Jay Clifford, Brandi Carlile, John Mayer Trio and Robert Randolph & the Family Band
• a improv show or rehearsal that brightens your entire day
• watching "Overdrawn at the Memory Bank" for the umpteenth time and quoting every word
• "just sitting" in a park
• a day at the farm with shotguns, skeet, and bakies
• an impromptu 8-minute band jam on a B-chord
• an iced coffee in the morning
• a fresh pumpkin scone with a double-shot of espresso in the afternoon
• a text message conversation worth keeping
• spending time with an amiable toddler
• making a not-so-amiable toddler smile
• making a not-so-amiable grown person smile
• knowing where "home" is and going there as often as you can
• knowing who "home" is and being with them as often as you can
• finding out that you're "home" for someone else
• memorizing a song or poem with many words
• finding someone who actually enjoys listening to you quote aforementioned song or poem
• being understood
• making someone laugh without really meaning to
• a wedding with your dearest friends in the world
• looking back at a period of time and marvelling at the work of redemption

these are just some things that make my life amazing to me.

bread.

Today, my reading led me to Deuteronomy 8...

Be careful to follow every command I am giving you today, so that you may live and increase and may enter and possess the land that the LORD promised on oath to your forefathers. Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD. Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years. Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the LORD your God disciplines you.
Observe the commands of the LORD your God, walking in his ways and revering him. For the LORD your God is bringing you into a good land—a land with streams and pools of water, with springs flowing in the valleys and hills; a land with wheat and barley, vines and fig trees, pomegranates, olive oil and honey; a land where bread will not be scarce and you will lack nothing; a land where the rocks are iron and you can dig copper out of the hills.
When you have eaten and are satisfied, praise the LORD your God for the good land he has given you. Be careful that you do not forget the LORD your God, failing to observe his commands, his laws and his decrees that I am giving you this day. Otherwise, when you eat and are satisfied, when you build fine houses and settle down, and when your herds and flocks grow large and your silver and gold increase and all you have is multiplied, then your heart will become proud and you will forget the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery. He led you through the vast and dreadful desert, that thirsty and waterless land, with its venomous snakes and scorpions. He brought you water out of hard rock. He gave you manna to eat in the desert, something your fathers had never known, to humble and to test you so that in the end it might go well with you. You may say to yourself, "My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me." But remember the LORD your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your forefathers, as it is today...

Several things I noticed:
1. God disciplines us as a father disciplines his child - meaning He does not torture us (notice the lack of feet-swelling and clothes wearing out during 40 years in the desert -rather miraculous if you ask me), but rather corrects us so that it will go well with us. His actions are completely driven by love for us, even if it hurts sometimes.
2. We live - truly live - on every word that comes from God's mouth. His words are life itself. I'm not completely sure how that works just yet, but I will get back to you.
3. God is bringing us into a good land...

thegloriousalmost.

I read this a few weeks ago, and it's resounded in my heart ever since. I pray it's an encouragement to you in the coming days...the day is almost here.

Romans 13:8-14 -
Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law. The commandments, "Do not commit adultery," "Do not murder," "Do not steal," "Do not covet," and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: "Love your neighbor as yourself." Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.
And do this, understanding the present time. The hour has come for you to wake up from your slumber, because our salvation is nearer now than when we first believed. The night is nearly over; the day is almost here. So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light. Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy. Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature.

impression.

Matthew 7:1 – “Do not judge, or you too will be judged.”

Some of my deepest friendships started out with bad first impressions. I can think of at least 3 different people who I judged negatively by their behavior right off the bat, only to discover some time later what incredible human beings they really are. Fortunately for me, they gave me another chance…

Here’s the thing about judging others – it does absolutely no good. It hurts our relationships. It causes us to think more highly of ourselves than we ought to. And for some reason, it makes us think we know enough to determine a person’s intrinsic value. This is all very faulty.

I may think I know what a person’s thinking when they act in a way that bothers me, but I don’t. Most times, I don’t have any understanding of where a person is truly coming from, what they’re really dealing with, what has happened in their past to make them react the way they do…all I have to go on is what’s on the outside. And while what’s on the outside often irks me, I will never be in the right to judge them for it. I certainly wouldn’t want to be judged based on my own outward appearance, because a lot of times that’s just a front to hide what I’m really feeling.

We have never been granted the responsibility to judge anyone, nor will we ever. And I thank God for that. How could I possibly be a just judge when I have no idea what’s in a person’s heart? But thanks be to God, the responsibility is His alone, and He knows everything about us. Only He can judge fairly. And if He sees fit to accept me into His family, knowing all I’ve done and thought and said in my few years on this earth, then who am I to say someone else shouldn’t be shown the same mercy?

When we put ourselves in the position to judge, we jeopardize the opportunity to develop meaningful relationships with the people around us. Is it worth it?

pause.

I love Christmas. I really do. But if you’re anything like me, you’ve realized recently that this season is completely blowing past you and you are so busy, you can barely keep your head on straight.

It’s a shame, because there’s a message that we would all benefit to pause and remember, even if you know the story of Jesus’ birth like the back of your hand. Just take a look at the hymn below…I realized recently how poignant these words are for where we are today. I invite you to pause for a moment, reflect on the lyrics, and just rest in the peace of God – if only for a moment. Blessings to you…

"It came upon the midnight clear,
That glorious song of old,
From angels bending near the earth,
To touch their harps of gold;
“Peace on the earth, good will to men,
From Heaven’s all gracious King.
The world in solemn stillness lay,
To hear the angels sing.

Still through the cloven skies they come
With peaceful wings unfurled,
And still their heavenly music floats
O’er all the weary world;
Above its sad and lowly plains
They bend on hovering wing,
And ever o’er its Babel-sounds
The blessed angels sing.

Yet with the woes of sin and strife
The world has suffered long;
Beneath the heavenly strain have rolled
Two thousand years of wrong;
And man, at war with man, hears not
The tidings which they bring;
O hush the noise, ye men of strife,
And hear the angels sing!

O ye, beneath life’s crushing load,
Whose forms are bending low,
Who toil along the climbing way
With painful steps and slow,
Look now! for glad and golden hours
Come swiftly on the wing;
O rest beside the weary road
And hear the angels sing!

For lo! the days are hastening on,
By prophets seen of old,
When with the ever-circling years
Shall come the time foretold,
When peace shall over all the earth
Its ancient splendors fling,
And the whole world give back the song
Which now the angels sing."

trust.

A girl in my small group shared recently how she’s learning to trust God in difficult situations despite what she feels. She made an interesting point: “If it feels comfortable and easy, I’m probably not trusting Him like I should.”

Let’s face it – trust is not comfortable. It’s not something I ever really feel like doing.

In fact, trust often times works against our emotions as we seek to take God at His word. When less-than-favorable circumstances affect our lives, our flesh is tempted to respond in fear, anxiety, or anger. We freak out, look around, freak out some more... That’s actually the easy way to respond – freaking out just comes so naturally. (Or is that just the case with me? Um…)

But trust is the more difficult choice. Trust says that God is still on His throne, no matter what I’m seeing in the world around me, and that God is for me, no matter what I feel. It’s not a foolish way of thinking – it’s the right way, the tried-and-tested way, the way of hope. The foolish thing would be to leave it up to our emotions to guide us through the rough waters that we will inevitably encounter.

Another friend recently told me that she lost her full-time job, has had a lot of trouble finding another one, and needs a new place to live… but instead of giving into fear, she has learned to rest in the Lord’s provision. And in the midst of all her hardships, she has seen God provide for her again and again…and again…in the most random ways.

It was the peace on my friend’s face as she recounted her situation that spoke to my heart the most. That peace is what I long for. It’s what everyone longs for, more than the job or the house or the retirement fund. It’s the peace of complete trust.

When I get overwhelmed by the struggles of life, sometimes I freak out – so did Peter, when he took his eyes off Jesus, saw the waves, and started to sink. But does my emotional response negate the reality of God’s existence, His power, or His willingness to save? Not in the least! In fact, my hope is found in the reality that God does not change despite my lack of faith – “if we are faithless, He will remain faithful, for He cannot disown Himself” (2 Timothy 2:13).

I would just rather save myself from the pain of not trusting my God, and instead receive His peace to guide me through these waters.

truth.

“Imagine how rich your life can be if you let a fear of failure go!”

This encouragement was spoken to me recently regarding an upcoming audition and the accompanying fear that I might not pass it. But these words sank deep into me and got me to think about just how much my fear of failure keeps me from. It goes far beyond trying out for plays or acting troupes, writing songs or speaking in front of crowds. Those things are challenging, yes. But the fear of failure affects my relationships as well, and that’s where the real tragedy occurs.

1 John 4:18 says, “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”

Well shoot, I want to be made perfect in love! And the thing is – I have been! God has made me perfect and holy, regardless of how I feel on my bad days. And if God (perfect Love) is with me, and He is indeed with me, then there should be no fear. So what’s holding me back?

The big issue here is faith. Do I believe what God has said? Do I believe that God is perfect love? Obviously, no matter what I believe, the truth of Scripture doesn’t change. However, what I believe directly influences the way I live my life, and this is where the problem lies. As my dear friend recently wrote, “Fear is completely unacceptable for Christians.” Harsh words, but totally true if we really believe what the Word says. And yet, that pesky voice keeps yelling at me…

What is it that my fear of failure is really saying to me? It’s saying that if I don’t make this audition, that must mean I’m not good enough. If I deliver a talk and I feel it goes poorly, that must mean I’m not cut out for this. I take a chance and love deeply, and then something goes wrong, that must mean all humanity is evil or perhaps real love is a sham.

Are any of those “must means” true? Nope.

What is true? If I fail at something, God’s opinion of me does not change. If I fall short of a goal, He loves me just as much. In fact, I think God uses the failures in our lives just as much as the victories to develop our character and strengthen our faith. So I think I can safely let go of this fear of not measuring up, because there’s really no way for me to not measure up in God’s eyes.

And that’s Who we’re living for, right?

So if I were to really trust Perfect Love and let go of this fear of failure, what would that free me up to do? Well, I think I could actually fulfill Colossians 3:12-14:

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

If I were free of fear, I could truly show compassion and kindness to everyone I meet. I could be gentle in all situations, without fear that I’ll get walked over. I could be patient, without fear that I won’t get whatever it is my heart is longing for. I could forgive completely, without fear that justice won’t be done. And I could love – really, truly, deeply love – without fear that I’ll end up broken-hearted.

In short, freedom from fear enables me to live like Christ commands.

Perfect love casts out all fear, and we are holy and dearly loved. Let’s try living like it.

surrendering.

“I don’t know that many people who are completely and totally surrendered to God. I mean, not just today, but throughout history – there just aren’t that many people. Which leads me to think it’s just not possible.”

I had to admit that I didn’t know that many people either…actually, I don’t know any who are surrendered to God 100 percent of the time. I’m pretty sure those people are in heaven right now. We all have sin issues to struggle with until the day we’re done. There’s a bit of comfort in that, I think.

“The thing is,” I said, “it’s a daily kind of surrender. I wake up and I surrender my life to God, and then I do it again the next day, and the next…sometimes even moment by moment. It’s a constant choice.”

“So you’re telling me,” he said incredulously, taking another bite of the funnel cake between us, “that you are willing to totally surrender yourself every day to God, even though He lets bad stuff happen, even in your life?”

“Yep.”

“Why?”

“Because I know me. And I know the mistakes I’ve made when I’ve ignored Him and tried it my way, and how much pain I’ve caused myself, and how much I would have avoided had I just listened to Him.”

“What if He asked you to give up the one thing you loved most in the world. Would you do it?”

I had to pause. Would I? Have I? I took an instantaneous, honest appraisal of my life. At the time, I was working through the issue of finances…was I willing to completely surrender that? Or what if, in the future, He asked me to give up a relationship that I loved? I suddenly remembered that torturous feeling I get when I’m grappling with obedience, and how long it has taken me in years past to be willing to give up or do things He’s clearly called me to in total trust. I remembered times of agonizing and fighting until I finally threw up my hands in surrender…and later reaped a harvest.

Ultimately, yes, I would do it. I would surrender whatever He asked, however long it took me to do it. Because to ignore His call (i.e. to disobey) would mean to forego His best. And I know that whatever He asks me to give up, He is going to replace with something infinitely better.

That's the way He is.

Psalm 37:4-6
Delight yourself in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:
He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

cloud.

One of my favorite Bible stories is in 1 Kings, chapter 18. No kidding.

Here’s what’s happening. There’s this prophet named Elijah who has been involved in some of the greatest displays of God’s power that Israel has seen since the days of Moses and Joshua. In this particular story, Israel has been in a drought for a few years – another display of power God enacted through Elijah – and one day Elijah told the king to prepare for a heavy rain. So Elijah goes up to this mountain to pray, I guess, and he tells his servant to “go and look toward the sea.”
The servant goes, comes back and says, “There’s nothing there.”
Elijah tells him to go back and check again.
Servant comes back, says the same thing.
This happens 8 times. Finally, the servant comes back to Elijah and says, “A cloud as small as a man’s hand is rising from the sea.”
Well, Elijah takes that as the sign that God is sending rain, and he runs (faster than a horse and chariot) all the way back before the storm hits.

Kind of a random story, at first glance. However, I think it’s pretty timely…

Note that the servant told Elijah he saw a cloud “as small as a man’s hand.” That’s a pretty small cloud! I wonder if the guy would have noticed that cloud if it had been there the first time he went to the sea…or would it rather have blended into the landscape?

Maybe seeing nothing at all so many times in a row made the servant more perceptive of the first sign, small as it was, that a storm was finally coming.

Here’s the application:
Have you ever needed God to move on your behalf, but for the longest time nothing seemed to happen?
Maybe God, Who is always at work on our behalf, gives us seasons where nothing seems to happen so that when He does start to move visibly, we’re able to notice it from the first moment. Maybe He uses those periods of no activity to heighten our awareness of what He’s really doing, so that we can actively take part in that journey with Him from start to finish.

So where are you right now? If you’re experiencing that season of drought, keep in mind that God hears your prayers, and He is on the move whether you see it or not. Maybe He wants to use this time to sharpen your senses for when He takes visible action…And the next thing you know, after a drought you thought would never end, you find yourself in the middle of a downpour.

sozo.

Our God is in the business of healing. In the Old Testament, the original Hebrew word for “heal” was “rapa” – “to heal; to be healed, be cured; to repair, to recover, see that is completely healed, wholesome, makes fresh.” In other words, it meant literal, physical healing.

As soon as we get into the New Testament, however, the word used for “heal” changes. When Jesus enters the scene, the term “rapa,” with its literal connotation, is replaced by “therapeuo” or “sozo.” Why is that?

Let’s take a deeper look at this word sozo. The NIV Strongest Exhaustive Concordance defines sozo by the following words: “to save, rescue, deliver; to heal; to be in right relationship with God, with the implication that the condition before salvation was one of grave danger or distress; bring safely, cured, delivered, get better, made well, survive.”

Jesus came to heal us, but in a much greater sense than the purely physical. First and foremost, He came to heal our relationship with God, which we never could have done on our own. He rescued us from eternal separation from our Father. And as if that weren't enough, He offers us healing in every area of our lives. No matter what has happened to us or what we've done in the past, His love offers complete healing and restoration, and through that healing He gives us the free gift of abundant life. That is the essence of sozo.

The interesting thing about sozo is that almost every time it’s used in the New Testament, it’s related somehow to faith of the person in question. For instance, Jesus tells Jairus, the man who has come seeking Him on behalf of his dying daughter, to "just believe and she will be healed [sozo]" (Luke 8:50). When the woman with the issue of blood touches Jesus’ cloak, she thinks to herself, “If I just touch His clothes, I will be healed [sozo]” (Matthew 5:23). And in response, Jesus says, “Your faith has healed [sozo] you” (Matthew 5:24). It’s almost as if He is saying, “Your faith has caused you to be honest about what's going on in your life, and your belief that I am Who I say I am has allowed Me to truly heal the deepest places of your heart. Your faith has put you in right relationship with Me."

So it would seem that this sozo is directly tied to our faith. It’s our faith that makes sozo possible in our lives. Yes, God can do whatever He wants and heal however He wants to, whether we realize He’s doing it or not. Our temporary lack of faith does not decrease His power. However, our faith and belief in Him certainly helps in our ability to receive true healing. The more authentic we are about our need for Him, the more open we will be to receiving His help.
I think it comes down to a choice. Will we believe God to be God in our lives? Will we trust Him enough to open ourselves up and be real about what's going on with us? We are all in desperate need of sozo... Do we have the faith to admit it?

kazoo.

Summerville won the "Campus of the Week" award, via a Fedex from Long Point this morning. And so, we celebrated... 

rockstar.

I’ve been thinking a lot about humility since Greg's message last week (about how we all want to be rockstars). And at first I thought I was doing okay in that area…until someone committed one of my pet peeves.

We’ve all got pet peeves, right? I’ve got more than a few. I get irritated at things that beep incessantly, dogs that jump on me, babies that fuss during weddings, people who take my parking spot...

That’s right – my parking spot. I used to live in a house with a couple of roommates, and we were given three parking spots. However, someone else, who didn’t live there, would often take my parking spot. And it infuriated me – after all, I’m the one paying the rent, right? I’m the one who lives there, who has a lot to bring in from her car at night, and somebody else is parking in my spot! It’s just not right.

I really got angry about this, I’m not gonna lie. But then I started wondering why I was so mad. Was it really about the parking spot? Or was it about something else, something bigger than that?

There’s a passage from C.S. Lewis’ Mere Christianity that’s been rolling around in my head ever since I started thinking about this. Listen to this: “If you want to find out how proud you are the easiest way is to ask yourself, 'How much do I dislike it when other people snub me, or refuse to take any notice of me, or shove their oar in, or patronize me, or show off?’”

My answer to each of those questions is, “I hate it.”

Why do I hate it? Because I feel I deserve better treatment. I deserve to be noticed. I deserve to have that parking spot. I, I, I, I…uh-oh.

Here’s why humility is so hard for me. If I am able to choose to be humble – for instance, if I drive up to my house, see an empty parking spot nearby, but decide to take one further away so that my neighbor can have the closer spot – then I’m fine. It’s cool – I’m in control, and I have made that choice.

If, however, the path of humility is chosen for me, which is more often the case, then I have a problem. I am left to only react – I have no control. And I don’t like not being in control.

But humility should flow through our actions and our reactions. Look at Philippians 2:5-11:

"Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death—even death on a cross! Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father."

Jesus didn’t reach for power. He didn’t strive for attention. He just was who He was. He loved people. He healed people. He often gave up rest and food to minister to the lost and hurting. And even when people mistook Him for a mere man, He accepted it. He was obedient to the mission, even to death. He acted humbly, and He reacted humbly.

And then God glorified Him.

This whole thing about being noticed and getting ahead and all that – it’s all striving for nothing. God lowers, and God elevates. He just asks us to trust Him to do it in His timing, and to love others as ourselves in the meantime. To keep His mission in mind above all else. It’s a matter of focus, really.

C.S. Lewis concluded his thoughts on pride by saying that the truly humble man “will not be thinking about humility: he will not be thinking about himself at all.”

Hmmm...Seems the parking spot is the least of my issues. How about you?

instinct.

In Genesis 15:5, God makes a huge promise to Abram. He tells him that his descendants will be as numerous as the stars in the sky. For a guy who had no children and was well-advanced in years, that's a pretty mind-stretching statement to make. I read ahead, expecting Abram to ask some pertinent questions to clarify how this was going to happen.

Abram actually said nothing in response. He simply "believed the Lord." It was an automatic heart-response that said, "Whatever You say is true, no matter how crazy it may seem to me. I believe You." No questions, no doubt, just silent belief. 

Shouldn't that be my response to God all the time? An instinctive "amen," knowing that His words will come to pass? Instead, I read things in the Bible that seem too good to be true, and some that seem a bit harsh, and I think to myself, "Can that be? Really? Hmmm."

These are the very words of God. Where is there room for questioning? For doubt? Does He not follow through on everything He says? I have known Him long enough to understand that even if certain things haven't yet come to pass, they certainly will. He will do exactly as He says.

2 Cor. 1:20 - "For no matter how many promises God has made, they are 'Yes' in Christ. And so through Him the "Amen" is spoken by us to the glory of God..."

shorts.

I'm currently doing a Beth Moore Bible study with my small group called "Believing God," and it's just fantastic. This week's homework has us going through the first 15 or so years of our lives and remembering different "GodStops" along the way. Everybody in our group comes from such different backgrounds that it can't help but make for interesting (and powerful) group discussion...
Anyway, today I had to think through ages 10-15 in my life, which wasn't necessarily pleasant at first because that meant middle school and a lot of uncomfortable memories. But then I remembered something that happened in 7th grade, which I will share with you starting...NOW.

Once upon a time in the 7th grade, I went to a private school. This particular school had some very nice staff and some very not-so-nice students...but I suppose that is the case in just about every middle school. This school also had a rule that no one, except for kindergartners, could wear shorts.

Now, this school is in Charleston, SC. And come about mid-March, the temperature can rise to about 90 degrees or so mid-day. AND they had a rule that we had to go outside for recess every day. So you can imagine the misery for all of us, 1st grade and up, during April and May. You may be saying to yourself, "Why didn't the girls wear skirts?" Well, I was rather tomboyish in style those days and would rather have boiled in the sun than wear a skirt...

So I decided to investigate the history of this ridiculous rule. After I found out that it had been established on faulty (in my opinion) logic, I decided to do what I could to remedy this situation. In other words, I decided to become an activist for students' rights. After talking it over with my parents, my mom showed me how to write a petition and suggested that I get my fellow students, who joined me in my complaints, to sign it. So I drafted a petition for the teachers to allow us to wear shorts during the hot spring and summer months, while agreeing that we would keep them at a modest length at all times.

One fateful day (I think it was a Thursday), I took my petition to school. I decided not to show any teachers what I was doing until after I had obtained a sufficient number of signatures. I didn't want them to stop the democratic process before we had the chance to be heard. So I went around between classes and during recess, and the number of signatures grew.

However, a few girls, who had been excited to add their names at first, suddenly feared that I was being subversive and was going to get them all in trouble. One by one, they tried to talk me out of showing anyone the petition. One girl in particular snatched the petition out of my hand and scratched her name off the list, tearing the paper in the process. Very upsetting.

Finally, after realizing they weren't going to stop me, one of them went and told the teacher. I may as well have been throwing a coup d'etat by all the fuss being made. I was so upset by this Judas-like betrayal that I ran to the bathroom in tears. Several friends came to comfort me, saying I was doing a great thing - "Don't give up!" they said. But it was too late - the authorities took over.

My teacher, Mrs. Dickerson, made me stand in the hallway with her while she called my mom. I have to stop here and explain that, as a child, whenever I thought I had done something wrong, I would start crying uncontrollably. I hated being in trouble, no matter what the reason. So by this point, I was pretty much sobbing. Mrs. Dickerson handed me the phone, and I remember being surprised as my mother almost shouted into the phone, "Your dad and I are SO PROUD of you, Sarah! WOW!"

What? I was in trouble, and my mom was proud of me? I was amazed.

I had to take my petition to the principal of the school. In retrospect, I think both she and my teacher were trying not to laugh at the scenario, especially when they saw the issue the petition addressed. Then my mother came and picked me up early, carrying cake and chocolate eclairs. We went home and celebrated as a family. My parents were so proud that I had stood up for something, that I had done it honorably, and that I had even suffered for the cause - no matter what the result was. A day that had promised to be traumatic had instead turned out to be monumental in a very different way.

So what happened? Well, the very last week of school, in late May, the entire school was allowed to wear shorts if they chose. And while I ended up not going to that school in 8th grade, I got wind that there had been a permanent change in their dress code. They decided to go with uniforms for their students...but navy-blue shorts would now be included as an option.

And in my parents' support that day, I got a glimpse of God's pleasure that will stay with me forever...all because of shorts.

q&a

Tonight, my band and I read through John 11 together. This is the part in Jesus’ story when His friend Lazarus got very sick and was expected to die soon. Instead of rushing to the scene to help and heal, Jesus waited two more days.

His justification for waiting so long? “This sickness will not end in death,” He said.

But alas, Lazarus did die*. And Jesus waited until after Lazarus passed to even think of traveling to his town. When He got there, He found Lazarus’ two sisters, Mary and Martha, grieving over their immense loss.

When she saw Him, Mary fell on her knees in reverence, realizing that Jesus was still the Sovereign Son of God. And then she said the only words she could find to say – words that, I think, came from a blend of faith, grief, and anger. “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.”

Her faith was displayed by her acknowledgement that He indeed could have saved Lazarus from death. Her confusion and/or anger, in my opinion, was revealed by one word: “If...” I wonder if that “if” was really screaming another question – “If You could have saved him, why didn’t You?”

When I imagine this scenario, I can almost hear a faintly accusing tone in Mary’s voice, and suddenly I know the pain she is feeling.

Questioning God usually comes out of great pain, doesn’t it?

Face it – we all have moments in our lives when we question God. I don’t chalk it up to spiritual immaturity, either. I’ve been walking with God for 18 years, but if I said I never questioned Him or got angry when I didn’t understand His ways, I’d be lying. I imagine you would be, too.

And at a certain point in your spiritual walk, the question changes. In the early days of our faith, the question we may ask God is, “Are You powerful?” But at a certain point, after we establish in our hearts that He really can do what He says He can do, and yet He doesn’t do it, the scarier question becomes, “Are You good?”

The thing is, God is not threatened by our questions or by our anger. He also is not fooled or unaware of what we’re thinking. So why don’t we just be open about it?

If you’re afraid of God’s response to your questions, be sure to look at Jesus’ response to Mary’s words. He did not chastise her. He did not rebuke her.

He watched her weep, and He was “deeply moved in spirit and troubled.” Shortly thereafter, He wept too.

The Son of God wept. He had just been challenged, in a way, because Mary didn’t understand the bigger picture, but instead of getting angry and setting her straight, Jesus felt exactly what she felt and wept with her.

How about that for our God, huh?

Here’s what I want to say to you. If you’re mad at God, just say it – to Him. He can handle it – believe me. He can handle all your anger, disappointment, and fear. But here’s the catch – don’t stay mad. What on earth good does it do?

I think after you express your doubts, anger, questions, or whatever it is, you may experience a peace that you didn’t know was possible in your situation. At least, that’s been my experience. God treasures your honesty, too. Just don’t forget that He’s, you know, GOD – still the same God from the Old Testament, the One that created the universe and smote nations…in other words, He’s a whole lot bigger, greater, and smarter than you. Fortunately for you, though, He loves you beyond measure.

And if you’re in a season of weeping right now, doesn’t it comfort you to know that Jesus weeps with you?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Other thoughts:
My friend Gale suggested that maybe one of the reasons Jesus waited for Lazarus to die was so that He would know the loss of a loved one, like so many of us have experienced, and so He would know how to comfort us in our sorrow…Food for thought, I guess.

*(For those of you who haven’t read this story, Jesus does actually bring Lazarus back to life and restores him to his sisters – after four days in a tomb. Sometimes God lets things die completely so that, when He brings them back to life, the only one who could possibly get the credit is Him.)

desperation = redemption.

'Looking at his disciples, he said:
"Blessed are you who are poor,
for yours is the kingdom of God.
Blessed are you who hunger now,
for you will be satisfied.
Blessed are you who weep now,
for you will laugh.
Blessed are you when men hate you,
when they exclude you and insult you
and reject your name as evil, because of the Son of Man.

"Rejoice in that day and leap for joy, because great is your reward in heaven. For that is how their fathers treated the prophets.
"But woe to you who are rich,
for you have already received your comfort.
Woe to you who are well fed now,
for you will go hungry.
Woe to you who laugh now,
for you will mourn and weep.
Woe to you when all men speak well of you,
for that is how their fathers treated the false prophets."'
Luke 6:20-26

The words of Jesus constantly posed bold and uncomfortable challenges to the status quo. This time was no different. In a culture dominated by the lust for happiness, popularity, and material blessing, Jesus went against the grain and stated that the poor, the hungry, and the desperate were the ones to be admired. It was almost as if He were saying the people that we try to pity are the ones we should strive to be like. How can this be?

Even as Christ-followers, we spend so much time trying to look like we have it all together - like once you accept Christ, everything's golden. We know that isn't true, but a lot of us go to great lengths to keep anyone else from finding out.

The reality is, we are to embrace our need for Him, not cover it up with false glory, perishing riches, and empty laughter. He is saying, “This need that makes you weep, keeps you hungry and thirsty, and brings mockery on your head is to be celebrated, because I have come to fill it. Blessed are you who believe Me, who do not fall away on account of Me, who weep now because of Me – because the day is coming when all tears will be wiped away and remembered no more.

“But to you who ignore this deepest desire, who go to great lengths to silence the thought that "maybe there really is something more" – woe to you, because you will never be filled.”

It seems we have a choice to make. Will we continue to act like we're just fine, or will we be honest about our desperation? Will we live the lie of self-sufficiency, or will we actively rely on Christ's all to redeem us?

two reunions.

I attended a reunion today...the kind of reunion that only happens when a tragedy has occurred. People who haven't seen each other in 7 or 8 years gathered today to grieve the loss of one extraordinary guy.

There was another reunion on Monday night - of a very different nature. An event that caused us to grieve here on earth led to a reunion of perfect joy somewhere else.

How can that possibly make sense to us - really? How do we reconcile that? I have no idea.

Here's what I do know. Justin Cope was extremely gifted (as a musician, as a teacher, as an actor, as an...everything), he was consistent (everyone had the same opinion of him - energetic, thoughtful, kind to everyone - a joy to be around), and he loved the Lord. Loved Him.

Here is what else I know. Justin can now see the bigger picture. We can only see through a tiny little window where we're at, but now he can see with Heaven's eyes, and it all makes true and perfect sense. He has looked fully into the face of One Who loves him, and he has new eyes. They're still perfectly brown, but new nonetheless.

I very much wish I had been there to see this reunion. Can you imagine? I'll bet, for a second, it was like looking into a mirror...Cope always had his Father's smile.

And there he sits, playing the king of all acoustic guitars (something in the Heavenly Taylor series, I'm sure), looking at the bigger picture and finally understanding things. Billy Jones and I laughed as we thought about how much Jesus must be enjoying Justin's antics right about now. He's writing new and wonderful songs, goofing off with Gabriel, and rooting for Tennessee...

The time of Justin's life will know no end, nor grief, nor sorrow. But it will know many, many joyful reunions.



See you soon.

silence.

in the aching
i speak to myself what i think you would say.
but my voice sounds flat.
thin.
weakened by words that i do not understand
and hardly believe.
i would rather be mute than false.
but if i go silent, will you speak up?
or will silence once again take
hostage our conversation?
i wonder if it will be the silence of doubt -
what needs to be said? -
or the silence of peace -
it goes without saying-.

healing...?

20 years of walking on egg shells gets you used to pain. The sense of dread becoming ordinary is at once both tragic and comforting. Though your nerves are constantly on edge, you aren't aware of what it used to feel like to be relaxed, calm, unafraid. This is your life now. Why wish for anything else? Why hope for what cannot be?

Suddenly, the light, fragile egg shells become glass. It tears, cuts, makes you bleed. Your feet become calloused and unfeeling as you get used to this new ground. You've forgotten the feel of grass, and even if you were walking on it, you wouldn't recognize it. Your nerves are dead. In an effort to save what little softness of your heart remains, you put up an impenetrable armor that keeps the bad - and the good - out. You have to take care of yourself, right?

As He leads you into the green pastures, you see but cannot feel...How long will this part of the journey last? He sits beside still waters and invites you to join Him, but you remain standing, hesitant. Can you really rest here? You see the sun, but its warmth cannot get through your armor.

There is only one thing to do to resurrect this life. You must lose it.

So you shed your skin - your entire outer being - like Eustace's dragon, and come forth soft, pink, raw. You blink in the light and shiver from the sudden warmth of the sun. The cool grass underneath soothes your feet. Tears fall as you realize the darkness of the valley behind you. You look down at your new hands that were once cut and bleeding, and see that He has not allowed the rocks of the valley to scar you. In your mind's eye, you can still see deepness of the wound...but He has surely healed it. Or has He?

Sometimes just the remembrance of a wound is enough to make it bleed again.

etcetera.

I walked into a mailing establishment today to purchase a stamp and mail my car payment. This establishment shall remain nameless (it was not a post office). I walked up to the counter after being greeted by the apparent owner with a "What can I do for you, darlin'?"

"I need to buy a stamp, please."

"Alright, that'll be 55 cents."

I blinked at him. I was expecting him to laugh at his obvious and insipid joke, but I found only silence. Is it possible that he was serious? I guessed I'd better check.

"Why?"

"Because that's what I charge."

Crickets chirped.

"For a 39-cent stamp?"

"Well, I can't charge you what I pay for them!" His tone was becoming more insolent with every syllable.

Oh, right, naturally. One has to make a profit, so it's quite right that one should charge almost 50% more for a POSTAGE STAMP. What kind of profit is 16 cents?
And of course, I couldn't say any of this. Mere words of wit are no match for premeditated insanity.

hearts.

As the music continued to create an atmosphere of peace and freedom, I looked out over our congregation. On the left side, I saw a young man who recently lost his father in a tragic accident – the kind that you want to think doesn’t really happen to anyone. He was bent over, sobbing into his hands, and two ladies I work with but don’t know very well were with him, comforting him as they may. The first had her arms around him, and the second was standing over him, crying as well, with one hand on his shoulder and the other raised to God for help.
On the right, I saw another young man, recently married, being prayed for by one of my close coworkers. I had not seen my friend in direct ministry before, and to witness this exchange was changing and precious.
Incase you had any doubt as to whether there are any people in the church who are truly genuine…there are. These are the hearts I serve with. I am blessed to know them, to support them, to learn from them. May they be blessed in return.

eternity.

They put me in a chair that resembled a shabby desk a middle-schooler would be forced to sit in every day, and put a tourniquet on my arm. After sticking me and finding that my vein had magically disappeared, they spoke together of having to do it again. I found that I could not move my head and began to lose feeling in my body. And then...

It was brief, but I remember the clean, bright light illuminating the room in which I now stood. I was calm, serene, because I saw Him. Saw Him. He was there. Near me, in white, saying something to me. I think my heart could distinguish the words, because I felt peace and pleasure. I wanted to stay there, close and reconciled. Then, suddenly, I could hear myself speak, and my voice sounded frightened - an emotion that contradicted the way I felt in that room. Then the image of Him vanished and I began to see two very different figures, flashing in and out of darkness. My ears were immediately deafened by a ringing coming from somewhere within my head, and I was aware that I was crying out for help but could not move. "Oh Jesus, help me," I repeated, trying not to yell. Broken sobs escaped from my lungs as I realized the vision had been just that, and the reality was that I was stuck in a place I didn't want to be.

Did I die? Is that what death will be? A white room of peace, joy, and nearness to the One I love? The closeness to Him was enough for me to stay for eternity.

legacy.

I've been thinking about this a bit lately...about how important our actions and words are, how they affect the next generation, how they affect eternity. It's heavy stuff to think that I might be completely wasting the time I've been given on this earth by doing frivolous things, like centering an entire day on what TV show I'm currently addicted to, or spending hours at a time on MySpace, etc. When I take a minute to think of what I'm actually here for, I am ashamed of how much time I've wasted toward things that have absolutely no eternal value. I don't take enough of those moments.

I was encouraged this week, however, in being reminded that a lot of times, God takes the little things we do - passing moments of kindness, a word of encouragement, being faithful to just show up...you know, things we don't necessarily plan out - and turns them into powerful moments that can enact life change.

I am blessed to be a friend of a truly wonderful family. The Mitchums are some of the kindest, loving, and most compassionate people I've ever known. Plus, they're some of the funniest folk to be around, and that's always a bonus. If you're ever looking for some entertainment, get one of them to tell you a story. You couldn't write this stuff in a sitcom.

Anyway, recently they suffered the loss of Mr. Mitchum's father, Walter. I met Walter for the first time about two weeks before he passed away, and even those few moments make for a good story that I will always remember. I stopped by the hospital room, hoping to see one of the Mitchums, but instead found Walter alone, semi-conscious. I couldn't just leave, as I was sure he had heard me ask the nurse for his room. So I went in, introduced myself, and took his hand. I think my instinct was to try and shake it, but he grasped my hand, held it for a few minutes and said, "Well, you're a number one sweetheart!"

In the celebration of his life a few weeks later, I learned that Walter was a man of very few words. And I do mean a very few. I realized that I needed to cherish the moments I shared with this man, even though what he said may have been prompted by the amount of morphine coursing through his system.

The stories shared during the ceremony painted a picture of a very colorful man that I now regret I had not gotten to know earlier. When Fulton, Walter's only son and namesake, got up to speak, the first thing he said was, "I'd like to talk about one of Dad's finer qualities: his flexibility." I judged that this was not entirely true, as the crowd immediately erupted into laughter.

It was clear that Walter loved his wife. I saw a picture that Travis took about 4 years ago, and Walter looked so happy laughing with his wife that, for a second, I thought I was looking at a pair of 20-year-old newlyweds rather than people about to celebrate their 61st anniversary.

Even though Walter never said very much, it was clear from the stories of friends, children, and grandchildren that this man had made an eternal impact on many lives. As far as I could tell, each of the 3 kids and 6 grandkids were all children of God, and I think Walter had a lot to do with that. He taught them about hard work, honor, faithfulness, and loving God, and they all loved him in return...hey, even the cows loved Walter.

I see a man like that and the eternal effect of the way he chose to live his life, and I am blown away. I'll bet he had no clue how much he would change the lives of those around him...how much the little moments he shared with his grandkids and the words he spoke to his family would mean later, and how they would shape the character of so many.

Many, many people are reaping the benefits of the way Walter lived his life. He instilled a tradition of kindness and compassion in his family, and even now, just by being in relationship with the Mitchums, my life is being affected by Walter's influence.

It's incredible to think what all God can do with a heart that is truly after His own...

So, the moral of this story is, don't watch 24. It will ruin your life.

joseph.

I've known the Nativity story all my life, but not until this year has it really seemed "real" to me. I think the movie helped, to be honest...if you haven't seen it yet, you really ought to. It's beautiful. I was extremely moved in seeing the relationship between Mary and Joseph fleshed out. It moves so quickly in Luke that it's very easy to forget that these were real people with real emotions and struggles. I've spent years thinking they were super-human or something, but now I think differently. While I know Joseph was not superhuman, I do believe now that he was an astounding man of God.

I mean, look at it - here's this guy who's in love with this girl, and then, though she's told him she would marry him, she's suddenly found to be pregnant. Bless his heart, he must have felt so betrayed. Crushed. His heart stomped on. And yet he does not lash out and accuse her to justify himself, like many other people would have done (and certainly would do today). He has in mind to "divorce her quietly"...that in itself is amazing, considering that we now live in a culture where gossip is prevalent in almost every conversation. How easy (and perhaps temporarily gratifying) would it have been for Joseph to spread rumors in an effort to make himself look better?

If Joseph had done that, he would have been directly standing in the way of God's plan to save the world.

The movie helped me understand exactly what Joseph had to give up when he accepted God's plan for his life. First off, this guy obviously truly loved God or else he wouldn't have done any of it. He gave up his reputation by taking Mary as his wife (making people think that he had slept with her after all). He didn't sleep with her at all until after Jesus was born, as a matter of fact. And it was clear that he really did love her, because he basically gave up his honor to protect hers...and to support her completely in what God had called her to do. He traveled a heck of a long way to his hometown and found a place for Mary to give birth once there. He was a protector, a provider, and a strong, faithful, obedient man of God.

I am now currently looking for Joseph's modern-day counterpart. I know a few of them, but they are already married. The fact that men like this exist at all today gives me great hope. :)

Merry Christmas to you.

eulogy.

Leslie Frank Molter, my grandfather, died on September 14, 2006. He lived for a full 89 years in Garden City, NY, and Chapel Hill, NC. A graduate of Colgate University, he met his first wife and had three children by the age of 40. Five years after his first wife died, he was set up on a blind date with Martha Irwin Gadol, my grandmother, who was also a widow of five years and a mother of three. The picture taken of that night has been on their nightstand for years…appropriately, their theme song has always been “Some Enchanted Evening”.

Martha and Les married within six months and had two more children. I don’t know that there has ever been a more blended family than this one. A real Brady Bunch, as it were, and it worked. Martha and Les showed no favoritism. Everyone was treated and loved equally, and that is still evident today. 8 kids, even more spouses (ex and current), 17 grandkids, and 6 great-grandchildren, and everyone genuinely likes each other. It is really a unique thing to see, and I pray that I am able to pass this legacy on down to my children as well…

My grandparents have always been wonderful, but I didn’t begin to pursue my own relationship with them until I was 18. It was then that I was going through my parents’ separation and was in need of some stable family relationships, so I began to visit Chapel Hill on my own frequently. The last time I remember talking to my grandmother was around New Years’ of 2001. We had a conversation about Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales, and for the first time I felt like I was finally beginning to tap into the years of knowledge and wisdom that she had. I never got to this point with my mother’s mother before she died…I was always too distracted with playing with my cousins and just doing the kid-thing. Anyway, I remember my grandma telling me that she was going into the hospital the following month to have a routine procedure done regarding a lump they had discovered.

During this procedure (if I have the timing right), she got some sort of infection, went into a coma, and after a painfully drawn-out time of waiting, died in the hospital. I saw her for a few days while she was unconscious…my uncle Steven constantly went through the rosary beads with her. I read some excerpts from Canterbury Tales and sang to her. I spent a few days at the hospital and tried to help my aunts and uncles with the sadness and weariness they were experiencing. We were all helpless to do anything. The problem, whatever it was, couldn’t be fixed. She was surrounded by her eight kids when they finally removed the ventilator.

I still miss her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My grandpa (Papa, as everyone calls him) held up well for the following 4 ½ years. He was faithful to buy everyone Christmas presents, which was impressed for an 85+-year-old. He continued living by himself in the house, went bowling weekly, took a walking class after he fell down once, and made himself breakfast and dinner every day. I visited him once over a New Years’ and we did nothing for three days but play Gin Rummi and make a daily trip to Wendy’s over lunchtime for a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger and a Frosty.

I always had to warn any friends I took to meet my family that, at some point, they would probably have to sit through a 30-minute interrogation with Papa. He was the most inquisitive man I ever met. The questions just kept coming, and he remembered every answer given him. It was an exhausting ritual, but he never forgot a face or a life story, and that meant a lot to everyone who met him.

Last Tuesday at 2pm, I received an email informing me that Papa was basically dying of liver disease. The doctor had given him 2-6 months. I was really surprised. I knew he had been declining over the last year and a half, and the previous week my aunt Leslie (the nurse) had moved him into her house so that no one would have to worry about him falling down again, but I had no idea his health was this bad. I planned a trip to see him within the week.

On Thursday at 1, my dad called to tell me they had taken Papa to the hospital at 4am that morning. I got in my car, quickly handed some things off at work (thanks to my fantastic, flexible and kind coworkers), and started driving to Chapel Hill, preparing myself for another situation like Nana’s.

He died an hour before I got there.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How did this happen? How did he decline so fast? We were going to have a 90th birthday celebration in less than two months! Now we’re preparing for a funeral? Now I have to gear myself up to bury the last grandparent I had on this earth?

I spent the next four days in Chapel Hill while my extended family slowly trickled in. Each day I experienced a deep sadness that I did not expect. I wasn’t extremely close to Papa, but I guess when it’s someone who’s always been there your whole life and has always been kind and stable and suddenly he’s gone, a void is created. And now they’ll probably sell the house that I’ve always known as “Grandma’s House”, and my reasons for visiting one of the most beautiful cities in this country are starting to vanish. My heart breaks for my family. I experience trouble breathing. I grieve.

We all grieve in different ways. Aunt Michelle cuts and arranges flowers. Barbra cleans and cleans, happy that there are no objections to her finally going through the refrigerator and kitchen closets. I find myself desperate to write and process what’s happening before my eyes. Then there’s Steve…stoic, strong and steady. Left to steer the ship in his 3 brothers’ absence and take charge of all the arrangements that suddenly must be made. The pilot goes into auto-pilot until the busyness is over and reality sets in.

We all do.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The memorial service was beautiful. Done in the same place my grandma’s was…the Newman Center of the UNC campus. Tom, Steve, Dad and Michelle each gave brief, beautiful eulogies. We then went to my grandma’s gravesite, where my grandfather was also to be buried. They put the urn in the ground, and all 8 siblings, as well as many of the grandchildren, took turns gently shoveling dirt over the urn, the hat that my cousin Tara sent from Ireland, and the flowers that were placed in the hole.

Closure.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I was 4 or 5 years old and my parents would take me to visit Chapel Hill, Nana and my parents would catch up with each other while Papa would make little peanut butter-and-Ritz sandwiches for the two of us to feed to the little inhabitants of the toy castle they’ve had since the 60’s…

A few months ago, I had a weekend off coming up and I thought I would use it to visit Papa. So I called him up and said that I would like to come up for a few days to visit within the next couple of weeks. “Where are you gonna stay?” he asked me. “Um...with you?” I hadn’t thought this would be a problem. “Oh no, you can’t stay here!” he said, and explained that he was set in a routine and having people in the house stressed him out. I was surprised and only a little offended…I mean, how many people get dissed by their own grandfather?

A few days later, Steve called me and said, “I heard from Papa…you poor thing.” Apparently Papa had left him a rather ornery message, which Steve saved for the next several months. I heard it two days ago.

“Yeah, Steven. Sarah just called me and invited herself to stay with me for a few weeks. I told her no. You’ll probably be hearing from her soon.”

If I had understood what the misunderstanding was, I would have gone to visit him…oh well. It’s still pretty funny.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Closure.

Sort of.

I still have trouble breathing. I still experience moments of deep, inescapable sadness, and I am still surprised by it.

I have seen the grace of God all around me in the past week. Phone calls, messages, endless support from friends and coworkers...I have been amazed. And I firmly believe the family will continue to love and like each other. The foundation has been established...can it be shaken now? I don't think so.

Peace is still needed, though. Comfort. Perhaps the passing of time will bring true closure. Or perhaps heaven alone can provide it, when we meet again and finally understand the whys and wherefores.

Either way, I am thankful to feel these sorrows. To have known such love and acceptance from someone, and to know the grief over their loss. I am thankful to feel. And I know I will look back on this time and raise yet another Ebenezer in thanks and reverence to the One Who brought me through it.

Thanks for reading.

Broadway Video...

Hey all...
I don't know if you've seen this yet (and if you have, you should watch it again). A while back, me and my brilliant friends Jim, Ryan, and Nate came up with a brilliant idea on how to brilliantly encourage people to continue giving toward the building of our brilliantly brilliant Possibilities Center (which opened on August 29--woot woot!).
So...here it is. Enjoy! Laugh! Revel! Marvel at the brilliance!

Psalm 137.

Challenging week, this week. Seems like God has had a pretty big lesson for me to learn every day lately. Sometimes I respond correctly, humbly, with grace, and sometimes...I don't. Usually I tend to feel like I'm the worst person in the world and self-flagellate until I almost go crazy from the guilt. That's the hardest concept for me to grasp-that there is no condemnation, now that I am in Christ Jesus. That God is not about guilt, and that He is not standing over me with frown and pointed finger. This lesson, He has had to teach me over and over and over and over...

Over the past week, Psalm 139 has been a tremendous encouragement to me...especially verses 11 and 12. I have added my own interpretation of what I think these verses mean...hopefully they will encourage you, too.

1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in-behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, [a] you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.


11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
(If I convince myself, "Okay, now I've really screwed up. Surely my sin is too overwhelming and God is fed up with me now...I've blown it and now I'm on my own,")
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
(Even the darkest part of my heart is not dark to you. You have searched me and still you say, "All beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you" [Song of Solomon 4:7]. You are determined to bring light to every part of my soul. You will not give up on me.)

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to [b] me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.
19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
(if only you would just remove all sin within me right now! Just make me a pure reflection of you for all the days to come RIGHT NOW so I won't have to deal with this sin struggle anymore!)
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

Please don't.

Listen here. If you're in a relationship that you would like to get out of, please do not use God as an excuse.

You know what I'm talking about. It's the line a lot of us have used, and it goes something like this:

"I just need to focus on God for the next six months or so...so maybe we should take a break."

Please. Guess what--God wants to be the center of your life ALL THE TIME. Not just for a six-month period. What happens when you get married?

Also, God is not in the business of breaking hearts. Consider it--the person on the receiving end of this suddenly has found out that God is against him/her. "God is telling this person that I'm really into not to date me anymore...so God wants me to be alone??" Don't use Him as an excuse because you have decided you don't want to be with the person you're with anymore. It's okay if you don't--really--but be a man (or woman) about it and be truthful.

For those of you wondering, yes, I have been on the receiving end of this line...but I've also been on the giving end of it, too. A somewhat recent and, thankfully, much less impactful experience has reminded me of how bogus and hurtful it really is to use God as an excuse for something you want to get out of. Think about what you're saying--really think about it. What impression is this going to give the other person about their Creator? What impact is this line going to have a few years down the road on that person's relationships--with others and with God?

Truth is, you have no idea.

Tell the truth in love. Don't skirt the issues, and don't make excuses. Yeah, it'll hurt, but that's inevitable. Sure, you want to avoid conflict and make the process as easy as possible for you...but what I'm asking you to do is choose the path that's better for the other person--not you. The path of unselfishness, of discomfort, of truth. Trust me, it will all work out and hopefully leave the other person with a whole lot less baggage.

That is all.

Are you serious?

Recently - five months ago, i think - a guy from Berkeley County was injured by a bomb that went off while he was serving our country in Iraq. They brought him back in critical condition to a hospital in Texas, where they ended up having to amputate both his legs and, I think, his arms as well in order to save his life. Meanwhile, he married his highschool sweetheart while still a patient in the burn unit...

He died a week ago.

Tomorrow, they will be having a memorial service for this guy...and there are people protesting the funeral. Protesting. Waving around signs that say, "Thank God for dead soldiers."

Are you serious?

I saw the video of the lady on Fox News a few months ago who thought she was on a mission from God when she was organizing these protests up north, and I mistakenly thought that was an isolated incident. I didn't think it was anywhere close to home. Yikes...

I am appalled, saddened, furious for the family of this soldier who literally sacrificed his body and gave up his life serving our country by trying to protect someone else's. And these people are protesting the fact that we recognize this???

It doesn't matter what the reasoning is behind the war or who's responsible or what. It's not this guy's fault. Don't stand in the way of those who are trying to honor his memory. What good does it do? Does it help end the war? Does it help anyone at all?

Besides, these soldiers are just people with families and histories and hobbies and passions and relationships to remember. Would you protest a civilian's funeral? The 67-year-old man who finally succumbed to cancer? How about the 21-year-old wife who died when she lost control of her car overcompensating for someone else veering into her lane? 500 people showed up to that funeral--would you protest that?

I realize this post is going to offend some people, but even that fact saddens me. It just doesn't make sense.

We won...?

So recently, Rob and Kristin of the Morning Show on His Radio went on summer tour and were planning on visiting good ol' Summerville. A few weeks ago, they announced a contest where the listeners were asked to vote for their favorite worship team or choir.

Seacoast Summerville won.

What did we win, you ask? Well, first off, as Kristin put it when she called me, "You've won a frisbee!"

YESSS!!!! We LOVE Frisbees!!!! Seriously, that is the only sport we as a band are remotely good at...and we're actually not very good at that at all. So an extra Frisbee is greatly appreciated to replace the ones we've lost in the woods.

Just kidding, we've never lost any in the woods. But we have broken one or two trying to do that bounce-the-Frisbee-off-the-pavement trick that Joe taught us...

Anyway, we also had the opportunity to appear with Rob and Kristin at the local Chik-Fil-A at 7AM on Wednesday morning. 7AM. Who is really up at 7AM? Actually, let me ask this question instead, since I know a lot of you will say you work at 7am...---who is SINGING at 7AM? Yeah, that's what I thought.

It actually wasn't too bad, though. My buddy Laura brought a miniature sound system (thanks to Fox Music for that...), Gale brought his snare and Justin brought his mandolin. Oh, and of course I got to play Dan's GORGEOUS Taylor 414. It was heaven. And I think you could actually hear us on the radio a bit!

Rob and Kristin couldn't get over how much I apparently look like a singer named Joy Williams...resemblance, anyone?


But the best part was the little kids who showed up at 8 to see us, with signs and all!



It was pretty cool, actually. We won because our congregation members (and some other people who just happen to like me) took the time to vote for us. I promise I had nothing to do with it! ;) So thanks to all who voted...You are welcome to come play Frisbee with us any time.

Gushing

I haven't written in many moons...my apologies to my avid readers. *ahem*

Allow me to gush for a moment. I am blessed to work with some of the most amazing people I have ever met---on a regular basis. And not only are they amazing people, but they are incredible musicians as well! These guys are pro, I tell you, and they give up about 8 hours of their time a week (at least) to rehearse, get up way early on Sunday mornings, and play for at least two services on the worship team at Seacoast Summerville for no more pay than some bananas and cheese. Sometimes they give up their Saturday afternoons for rehearsals...sometimes they give up an extra night to help with other meetings where worship music is needed. These people are selfless, they are dedicated, they work hard at volunteer jobs, and I am blessed to call them my friends. They answer the need whenever there is one, and they are willing to go the extra mile---on a regular basis.

Let me tell you who I'm talking about.

We've got Joe Hanna, who not only is one of the best guitarists (acoustic or electric) in the greater Charleston area, but can sing, harmonize, AND rap--if needed. And he's not too bad at the drums either. Then, of course, Gale Watson, who can learn any drum beat you want him too, handles all the technical stuff, and is creative to boot. Rick Krenmayer never ceases to amaze me with his skillz--he needs to be added to the list of greatest bass players in the southeast. Seriously, all you band people in Charleston looking for a bass prodigy--he's your man.

I know you people think I'm exaggerating, but really, I'm not. Ask Gil. Or anybody who knows.

Then there's Dr. Justin James, who can play everything--with gusto. I'm not even close to kidding. There's Krista Thurston, who sings like an opera angel, knows exactly where I'm going and can harmonize on the spot, and plays an impressive pad/piano combo...There's Maewin Van Something, who harmonizes fantastically and has the same level of energy as I do (well, almost), and that's an extremely underrated quality in background singers---girl power all the way! Josh Mitchum, my friend and brother, whose claim to fame (well, one of them anyway) will be his knack for re-inventing the familiar in worship music, has been a beautiful addition to our team in bass, guitar, and vocal ability.

This team, the regulars, have been such a blessing to me. They allow me to be completely dorky and at least pretend to laugh at my goofiness. They are patient with me when I am lazy, stressed, bossy or insane (or all of the above).

Then I've had a revolving door of people the last few months, all of whom have been phenomenally talented, patient, willing, and just plain incredible. People like Paul Goforth, Wayne Lee, Matt Podesla, Nancy Lowe, Carl Wine, Justin Renzulli, Josh Gragg and Tim Clemons...

Gush, gush, gush. I was just thinking about how honored I am to work with so many great hearts and talented people, and I wanted to let the public know as well. To these musicians, I say thank you. May God give back to you a hundred times what you have poured out for Him. May He increase your talents all the more as you have invested them in advancing His Kingdom.
And may His Kingdom advance as we continue to lead His people in worship--pressing on and pressing in.

Blessings,
Sarah